sharps

queer-with-a-pen

i remember what it

felt like to be 

called a liar

that first, and then

second, time

 

i remember what it

felt like to be 17

and trapped between the

drunken, sweaty bodies

of two older women while

i begged them to stop

 

i remember what it

felt like to call for help

plead with them that i

was a minor and to 

stop touching me

please, stop touching me

 

i remember what it 

felt like to be told

i was making what wasn’t

even my first sexual assault

into something it was not

 

that i was being dramatic

that i needed to forgive these

two adult women that had

touched me without my permission

without my consent

 

and i know what it feels like

to ask for help

beg and plead to be heard

and to be so staunchly ignored

 

having those i thought

i was safe with and around

deny my traumas again

and again

 

and i couldn’t even let

my ex partner touch me

in so many places

because even thinking

about their gentle hands

being there made my skin

crawl and my eyes water

out of fear 

 

and i know what it feels like

to have my fingers itch

for the blade

exchanging one hurt for another

because, at least,

that’s a bloodshed i can control

 

and i am so fucking tired

of feeling used up

like part of me is tainted

like something was taken

ragged edges that can’t

be forced back together

 

and i am begging you

take a tooth

take an eye

just give it back

 

my bodily autonomy

my safety

my consent

 

my right to say no and

be listened to, goddammit

 

(and i wonder 

if i had still been pretending to

be a woman at 17

would i have been listened to?

 

would that sexual assault

have been less words

and involved so much more

would i be believed?

 

but, a man can’t be

sexually assaulted, right?

i must have enjoyed it, right?

having two women i thought

i was safe with and around

grinding themselves onto

either side of my body

that was still that of a minor?

 

i must have wanted it, right?

right? 

 

and the blade in my hand

can only tell me one thing,

that i am still screaming

 

no, please no

please, you’re hurting me

 

please stop

please stop

please stop)

  • Author: Boaz Priestly (Pseudonym) (Offline Offline)
  • Published: May 23rd, 2020 03:06
  • Category: Letter
  • Views: 21
  • Users favorite of this poem: James Michael
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Comments +

Comments3

  • Laura🌻

    Boaz,

    A brutally honest and painful write! 😣
    So sorry you had to experience such physical pain and mental anguish!

    Laura

    • queer-with-a-pen

      Thank you for your kind words, as well as for reading one of the arguably more explicit and painful poems I’ve posted in a little bit. It was incredibly cathartic to write this, and I do feel better after.

    • Neville

      I'm with Laura on this ..

    • James Michael

      The intensity of this one is incredibly real. This trauma you describe shakes the soul to the core. Just remember you are not alone. I truly wish for beautiful days ahead of you.

      • queer-with-a-pen

        Re-reading this poem always feels like reading it for the first time. Even almost 7 years later, I can remember how I felt while writing that poem, and the event that led up to it. I do, though, feel almost removed from it at the same time. I’m in the safest place o ever have been, and don’t intend to let something like that happen again.

        As always, my friend, thank you for continuing to read and support my work! It means more than you know.



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