The spirit of downfall

The spirit of downfall cannot be seen nor perceived,

it is a mechanical multitude of grey colors

that coagulate above the clouds in the sky.

The spirit of downfall is a heavy feeling, a commotion

at the sight of having failed at something very dear

and believing that nothing can be surmounted again.

Ah! The spirit of downfall can be ever-present

and ever-growing, even if it goes unnoticed at first.

Initially there is a tiredness, an unwillingness, doubtfulness,

followed by a sense of discomfort after careful analysis of the situation,

then followed by awareness and an ever greater impotence

at your own state. It can take a while for someone to realize they've fallen.

So then what? Is there a way up this abyss?

An interminable alley that leads to nowhere 

regardless on whether you go forward or back.

There's only up as an exit, but up translates to two 

rocky walls of spectral posture, of hard tone and feel,

of summits unseeable and whose shadows 

constantly overlap. It is in this canyon, this wretched place where

I've fallen. How I wish to escape the alley and see the sun again!

The image of the sun is already fuzzy in my memory.

One day the sun warmed all of my body

in a way so intrusive that forgetting that sensation would be unthinkable.

And yet I've been down here for so long that 

I've forgotten... and the feeling and the image

are both gone from the bounds of my memory.

Would I burn at the sight of that star?

I think my eyes are no longer capable of withstanding light.

I now live in the shadows and with me is the spirit of downfall.

My skin is slowly flaking, my hair is falling, my gums are bleeding,

tiny organisms in my teeth are crawling,

the more I do nothing,

the more tired I get.

The alley leads to nowhere, so why walk? The walls are

eternal, so why climb? Here I'm trapped in a limbo between 

death and life. Distant memories of outside 

still vibrant and persuasive, they remind me of a time when I was happy

when I was fulfilled.

I wish I had the same energy I did that day 

when the sun shone brightly and burned my face.

If only I could open up my window.