chimes

 That feeling keeps coming back.

Every whiff, every memory.

Every panic, giving me an asthma attack.

Darks rooms and soft moans,

The hurt and hatred echoing back at me.

I keep the doors locked.

No one can know my dirty secrets.

If they knew they’d be shocked.

Even so, I’m still trying to figure it out.

Do I hate it or do I hate myself for it?

I begged for more time,

It disappeared too fast.

My arousal was a never ending chime.

Ringing in my ear till I went crazy.

I couldn’t control it and got addicted.

It was all a planned mistake,

An accident, really.

I got too caught up in the sexuality.

I think I’m now able to live freely.

Deep down, I still can’t forgive myself.

I could’ve been better than that.

I hate that it’s still in my head.

I wish I hadn’t wanted it.

I know what I said.

But, I’m the only one to blame.

My first sensual relationship.

I wanted the social part,

But all he wanted was me to strip.

I was too young though, too innocent.

But I loved him so I listened.

Every glimpse is a sin.

Sometimes I can feel his warm lips.

His cold fingers slowly brushing my skin.

Sometimes I feel his breath.

I scream at these thoughts to leave.

Those two months of blindness,

Are now like a trauma.

They horrify and scare me.

I caused so much drama.

It keeps me up at night.

By now I think it’ll never end.

Like I’ll never get to hear my real story.

Even his ringtone can wake me up.

I wish I could fix it with a “sorry”.

However, my mistake with die with me.