Memories of Virginia (USA)

People think that the place where the US Civil War
Really got under way with a vengeance
(whenever that happened, who cares?)
Is a beautiful place, nice and peaceful
With imitation English country houses
And maybe a couple of nice well-kept cemeteries
(go there and whistle the nice tune in "Gone With the Wind")
And also home to the awfully useful E-Z Pass
(allowing you to get an OK discount on road tolls).
But there is another side to this wondrous place:
Believe me, I know, I have been there, already,
On an interesting extra-cheap package tour
And I have seen it in all its ghastly squalor.

I was wandering happily around historic Hampton Roads
Laughing at the ugliness of the menacing warships
And their fat drunken crews in the local brothels
(taking a few photos through the steamy windows
with my new Nikon X2234A Digital 12.2 pixel special),
Accompanied by my lesbian mother-in-law, Mrs Amelia Turdburg,
When a gang of unemployed Israeli lobbyists and part-time rapists
(thrown out of the Pentagon by Obama for lack of personal hygiene
and because they kept chanting Hebrew cha-cha-chas),
Out of their minds on excessive Virginia tobacco intake,
Savaged us seriously and cut off poor old Amelia's breasts
With a cut-price reproduction Civil War plastic chopper,
Subsequently smashing her ugly skull wide open.
         
And they left her lying there on the longest beach in Christendom,
Her useless brains splattered on the condom-strewn strand,
And for what? Well, let me share my nausea with you:
They wanted to wear her stale Wal-Mart undies
(In spite of the truly horrific stains and skidmarks)
And as a result the silly old cow's corpse ended up
On a mortuary slab in the lovely old town of Bristol
(in eighty-three separate pieces I would point out).
I was obliged to cough up for an overpriced cremation,
And, even worse (from a fiscal point of view I may add),
My travel insurance company disputed the excessive costs
Charged by some bloody Baptist priest for his slimy sermon.
Dear Mary Mother of God, I will stay in Northumberland henceforth
(ps did you know there was a town called Washington
in nearby Co. Durham, not 20 miles from my cosy home in Newcastle?
It's a total dump I hasten to add, so don't even go there.)