Fighting the Undefeatable

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I was in the pit, dark, dirt walls climbed to the sky

Too much pain to fight, not enough pain to be high

I thought I was at rock bottom, thought I couldn’t fall any further, but that turned out to be a lie

I thought I was already dead, realised I wasn’t when I felt like I was going to die

I was horrified, in shock I stood stiff and still

The ground opened into a void beneath me, the walls never touched me but rushed in for the kill

Then I smiled because of the pain and reminded myself, I live for death’s thrill

Finally, the doctor delivers a depression refill

My arms tighten, back stiffens, mouth falls agape, eyes dilate

It feels like ice inside of my chest and my viens are flooded with my perpetual hate

I smile, jump up, shout, “YES!” as I remember what it feels like to know that for me it is too late,

As I remember the joy of indulging in self-destruction, knowing that it’s what I deserve and that it should be my fate

I walk out of the store with a face-splitting grin, four twelve packs and three cans of chew

I’ve been sober for three months, but now I can justify the drinks, so thank you

And after too long in the misery of comfort, I can get high on misery again, so thanks for that, too

I feel the bottle and syringe in my pocket, smile, the high I’ll be chasing will be something new

I awake with a jolt in the cold night breeze, in vomit rests my cheek 

I try to move my hand towards the beer and needle, but I’m weak

My throat is so parched, I can gasp, but not speak

I laugh, I’ve never been this high on being low before, this is my peak!

I spend over three days in that ditch before starting to walk away, every step comes with a shake

Never in my life have I ever felt in my head, chest, gut and legs such an awesome ache

I fall every one hundred meters or so as my legs pay for my mistake

Within me, misery and joy have never before been more awake!

The only thing better than being in pain? 

Knowing all of your attempts to escape it are in vain

It’s simply impossible to make it through this impassible terrain,

Cannot be freed from this chain

I’m in rehab, I was forced in. 

I roll my eyes, knowing I can’t win.

My recovery does not here, never will anywhere, begin.

I know I’m too far gone, it isn’t like I haven’t tried to overcome my sin!

If this is where I’m supposed to heal, 

Is that there is no hope as I thought to be the reveal?

Because my heart isn’t any less cold, its beats feel like pounding steel.

Because I’m still surrounded by walls, because I still cannot feel.