Insecurities fucked it. (shadow work)

You're free to choose your actions
but you're not free from the consequence of them.

I panicked after one encounter where I thought you seen me the way I see myself, and searched for proof that it wasn't working so I could use that as the excuse to run incase you were lurking.

Dark parts of me that I had to make peace with reflected back at me when I interacted with you
I was so scared of you seeing my insecurities out the blue
What if he doesn't think I'm as beautiful as he imagined and I'm being used
What if he sees how ugly my nose is
What if he isn't sure
What if he realises that I'm broken
and desperately searching outside of myself for a cure

I closed myself off before I could get too close, I was so scared to open myself up to you in fear of being hurt. I was digging myself a hole and got my feet stuck in the dirt, I started over analysing every interaction, picking and choosing what was okay and what wasn't okay to talk about to you in fractions, I chose for myself that you weren't safe to confide in even if it was illogical, because that's how I learned to cope with shit, I ruined it too soon and now I'm writing a poem to deal with it.

. . .