Spouse sets obstacle course endangering my life and limb

While sidestepping impediments,

Achilles heel stricken with paralyzing zap

chronically inducing captain klutz

to bemoan and yap,

i.e. (think) booby trap

strategically laid down by the missus -

necessitating yours truly

to patschke with marauder map
in an to circumvent and handicap

becoming lame and crippled for life

essentially rendering me totally tubular

pathetic non-ambulatory chap.

Aforesaid dangerous tripping hazard,

the spouse I do calmly berate

causing me being waylaid

for very important date

and/or additionally hurrying

to forestall bowel movement,

viz urgent incommodious fate

mine impromptu tanglefoot (feet) dance step

doth ineluctably foment hate.

Ready to lash out courtesy sanity claws

meanwhile thee wife burst out with guffaws

me cursing Sir Isaac Newton's gravitational laws

one infuriated husband

our marital covenant, he swiftly redraws

subsequently divorce sputters

thru clenched jaws

underscoring how feigned wedded bliss

(actually shotgun marriage)

replete with many flaws

e'er since chance encounter

regarding future maternal cause

deux daughters we begat

packed their bags at tender age,

and left home without pause.

All these approximate

two score plus oddly even years

avoiding precarious hazardous risks wears

heavily reinforced steel tipped

crampon tricked out boots,

which rugged footwear eventually tears,

though they outlasted lifetime

predicted on advertisements and follow up

customer satisfaction questionnaires

as satisfied survivor traversing

harrowing riddled landscapes,

I feel adequately trained to join

most hardy (doubting thomas) mountaineers,

especially those with surname Reznick

livingsocial, snapchatting, and twittering in Switzerland

possibly linkedin with Harris heirs

this wordsmith conclusively blares.

I non-jokingly attest -

above recounted spectacle no humorous avail,

thereby true love moost prevail

when wife leaves mayhem and bedlam

nothing boot trail of destruction without fail

excellent preparation if/when

purblind poetic papa needs to learn Braille.