Lately

Lately, I have been running in a gagged line
For one out of many times, I have no direction

I use to say I hate life
Now my life runs short not reaching the original finish line
I use to say all I want is to never cry
Then now to cry only to have so much that comes with it

So much I use to be
A fighter
An angry back talking machine
Now I'm silent
But never completely
I speak when I feel needed
I only speak if things start to hurt
Until then I observe and take note
I remember all that hurts and forget all that heals
My brain does that for me unintentionally
I use to take deep breaths
But now I can barely reach one
Oh the irony

All that I have taken for granted is fading away
My mom says I punish myself every day

That's hard for me to say
I truly believed I deserve all the pain
I got everything I wanted
But she said not everything I deserve
At that point, I didn't know
What I deserved

I think I deserved pain
But overall now I believe I deserve love
The love I give is so strong
But no one ever returns such a thing
I never expect it

Just like I never expect to live for this long
I expect the worse because no good was given
I believed if I deserve good it would come
But until then I remained in pain
And I smiled because this is my everyday

I take my own advice at least by the face
Why be sad when you can be happy
This is my happy
I'm as happy as can be
I'm still breathing that's the good thing
I am humbled I won't ask for more

She says I deserve more
But that was hard for me to tell if good or more bad is what I need to swallow
I say I deserved love then why do I treat myself with a heart that is hollow
All the pain that I swallow is numbing

Pleasure has a price you see
When I'm at peace it seems to all repeat
Has someone waken up my demons or is it just me
I wonder who is giving me more pain than the pleasure that I feed upon
Because my bowl is empty instead its full of spiders and venom
That I have seemed to swallow
Feels like I'm choking but even water won't help it go down

I sit and I think of all of the endless possibilities
Where will I land and how
Instead of not facing my future I need to look up to it
Like the leaves from a tree, they eventually hit the ground
Then time goes past and new leaves appear
I will be that new leaf
Undead
Brand-new
Stronger than before
This time I won't settle for the bare minimum but for what I am worth
All that I have been through why cause myself any more pain

I am known for running in circles
For speaking in riddles
Now I can solve my own
Once afraid to lay in a room alone
To wanting my distance
Once afraid to think
Now to overthink everything
I have always been a talker
But now to talk to others other than myself
Use to hate people
But now they surround me
Now accept I am human

I will become pleasure
I will become pure from the darkness into the light
The light I have been so tired of reaching
But I will never stop

I need to make sure I am always on my mind until I can handle another
Myself first everyone else last

My god is above me him I will never race but forever reach
I will get off this ground and stop hiding in this alternative universe I have created in my mind
And make what I have envisioned mine
It will be true and real
Like the happiness, I will soon feel

Lately, I have been running in a straight line
For the very first time, I have a direction and its fate is not down

Copyright ©2021 Tia Davis. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written consent of the author or publisher. All my poetry is copyrighted and stored in the author's base. All material subject to Copyright Infringement laws Section 512(c)(3) of the U.S. Copyright Act, 17 U.S.C. S512(c)(3), Tia Davis.