YES! Everything Mattered To Me

Every time I gazed into your eyes, the only thing I saw was longevity

I was not stupid, I just didn't care about your negatives

 I accommodated you in all forms

 Memories lingering in my mind,

Reminds me of the half full, half empty glass of water analogy we were talking about,

I was for the half empty glass cohort, You went for the half full glass

I thought about it, and how we lead our real lives, it is totally different,

We should exchange answers 

According to me, We are so similar though you think we are opposing

We are a similar force in opposite directions,

We protect our insecurities,

We try so hard to be perfect around each other,

Every talk, text we had from the start I always wanted to know you more,

And I told you that.

I just didn't know how you felt towards me apart from resentment.

I don't want you to be perfect to have me, So why do you think nothing matters anymore?

Did it even matter to you from the beginning?

Hidden motives, Perhaps?

What I said, what I did, how I acted , did it ever truly matter?

All I did was absorb you in my life one moment at a time, one misunderstanding at a time, and one peaceful moment at a time

Don't get me wrong, I was frustrated by all these, I sought counsel from mon amies

"Liking someone shouldn't be that hard" they said.

But I love danger, I was intrigued, I was out of my comfort zone

Anyway, I am okay even though you will never ask me that, 

I am rethinking everything,

And, Yes I mattered

And Yes you mattered in my life,

And that's all that mattered to me when you decided to leave.

Hope you find your peace,

This was my stepping stone to finding my worth and rebuilding my walls.

You looked into my eyes, and you were able to tell me what you want

That's just you being you

I looked into yours, I didn't know what I want.

I had been fighting for too long that I couldn't align every moment, I guess I was just exhausted

I understood what it felt to fight in a losing battle, I partially won either way and didn't know how to act,

So I just went blank,

I have been through enough to know if something will last, And this couldn't

All I cherished in your eyes was the Loneliness and Adventure buried in them, cause my eyes tell the same story

I guess birds of the same feathers was what made me enthusiastic about you, I wanted to give you a tour in my world

For the rest of the aspects that I saw in your eyes, I decided to turn a blind eye,

What a character to posses after experiencing so much disappointment in my life?

So I wore my good girl costume like in a circus, 

Told you I feel how you feel, That was the truth.

Baby whatever you say goes I said,

I knew I was not okay with that, I was not used to that.

So I played a losing game

I came to a gun fight with a knife huh!

I used all the wrong cards, all the wrong moves.

My friends and family were spectators of the game, But I was not embarrassed to lose

I have lost a lot before. 

Believe me when I say: If I had no Bad luck I would have no luck at all.

I am not a gangster man! I am just quirky

I am not vulnerable, just an emotional train wreck with high tolerance levels

Life situations toughens me up, while cinema and music waters my eyes

I took down my tallest walls for you brick by brick,

Now I have moved on and interacted with many people, I learnt that some people's greatest walls are others crossing bridges.

I chased after you cause in my mind you were what I needed,

When I was around you,

My heart battled with my thoughts cause you were not what I wanted,

I knew that very well,

But I was not certain on which gospel to believe in

That is why I never had the correct answers when you asked me anything

The dilemma of the cross roads to either my heart and mind, I couldn't make a sane decision

I feel like I didn't deserve you, You are too nice to be true

And you didn't deserve me, I am too tolerant and calm,

But can't handle undivided attention, I also understood life gets busy

We didn't deserve each other because we are strangers,

We didn't deserve each other because we dance differently to the same tune of life vibrations,

We didn't deserve each other because we both overthink a lot 

We conflicted a lot 

We had serious anxiety for different situations  

We didn't deserve each other because we have parallel priorities

Or 

Maybe it was just sexual tension building up, but baby I didn't want your body but wanted you close to me

I just couldn't put a finger on your wrongs, and the right ones just didn't sit well with me

And that scared the shit out of me

Like a scarecrow that guards a farmer's harvest, but when night falls it scares the farmer as a ghost

Tell me a form of communication without you thinking I am rude

Tell me how to get to you without triggering any insecurities

You are nice but I am afraid being around you doesn't bring out  the best in me

How can I understand you, if I cant make an opinion about you?

I want you back and reignite our flame, But I feel alone around you

Loneliness is a state of mind, I got to experience that.

I just want to fall for you, but I am afraid we don't know how to keep The flame burning

Maybe we are not burning flames

Maybe one of us is the Wind while the other The flame,

Complete opposites;

That the wind can either keep the fire burning or if violent could put off the fire

Or

Maybe the fire is vicious enough to withstand the wind and spread when blown or get putout by it

We will never know for now

According to you, nothing mattered anymore.