i don't want to lose control

my keyboard dims from inactive use- I don't know how to get the words inside of me out. 

I see fragments and could-be's 

but I don't know how to put them together. 

if I had a genie in a bottle, 

would i wish for the things in my mind? 

the things I keep secret from the world, 

the things I regret when i think of the reality of it. 

or would i wish for the things that i change my mind to? 

the things that make sense or that i need. 

would I tell the genie to just leave me alone and go bring someone else happiness? 

not that I don't deserve it....

but what have I done to earn it? 

what have I done that makes me worthy of someone else's time and love? 

what have i ever done that would make someone look at me and approach? 

they might want me, they might like me... 

but no one cares enough to do anything about it. 

i say and know I don't need someone 

but what if i do? 

what if sometimes i need that connection with someone? 

the one where your souls are consumed and wrapped around each other so tight, 

it's impossible to unwind them. 

the one where just hearing them breathe makes you glad to be alive. 

the one where there is nothing to hide. 

I want to scream and shout and let it all out. 

sometimes i wonder what will happen if i never do. 

if I keep everything in forever, 

will I one day just explode like a bomb 

and disappear into the atmosphere, 

leaving my destruction behind me? 

what will be the damages? 

who will be left in my wake? 

Or could I live this way forever? 

Going along with my friends when i don't even feel like a part of the group? 

smiling for my family when i have no idea who i am. 

could i keep it all in? 

could i take my secrets to the grave, 

never to let anything go? 

one of my favorite quotes is from Sarah J. Maas' A Court of Wings and Ruin: 

"When you erupt, girl, make sure it is felt across worlds."

....... but I don't want to lose control.