WHAT I BELIEVE...

What I believe is getting harder to put into daily practice for me it's getting beyond what I wanted to achieve to feel at peace with little old me...

To give everything I could, to everybody...  Not because I should but because I believed everyone was worth it, 'you see'...

But now I'm not so sure what if I believe...?  I'm questioning if there is any good in anyone & everyone any more...?

Or even if good still exists in my world with whom I thought loved me as well...

Because these so called people keep doing me wrong, 

Its becoming hard for me just to hang on & maintain a positive view, in that I accept you for you... 

I give my honesty & loyalty too... Unconditional love isn't feeling unconditional at all... 

Its starting to feel like I'm just a bouncing ball,  No actually like a boomerang for all...

I'm so predictable... & I'm starting to get annoyed at myself for being nice at all...

My nice qualities I'm not liking so much,

It seems my people think I'm a soft touch, taken my kindness for weakness,

taking so much & disrespecting me as well...

I'm sick to death of people not hearing me, nobody is listening to a word I say...

I'm starting to believe they want it that way...  That nobody cares at all...

Invisible is how I'm beginning to feel, only seen at will, when they want or need something from me... 

Then I'm back to invisibility...  So why should I keeping making an effort,

There's No compassion for me... I'm beginning to feel worthless, No ones looking at me,

they don't wanna see the hurt or doubt they are serving me...

Once so tall, now I feel so small, was it a waste of time giving them my all...

The only things I wanted from them come free in life & I give ample to all in my world,

yet being used is what's being done... 

No more hiding it either, I've become peoples fun...

I'm losing faith in all around me... I don't want to become what I use to be...

  Resentful & bitter was history...

I don't wanna become cold where I no longer care, 

Only nasty words to spare because I can't forgive those to pretend to care...

I know that's not what I want to be, but sometimes I feel that's what's gonna be because my people keep pushing me...

I'm standing on the edge, waiting for the final push...

I can't see a way out of this invisible, lonely, is it me sea that I'm drowning in,

No longer to be happy go lucky, honest & free, time & love for anybody...

I don't wanna go back to hating me, feeling like I wasted time on those who claimed to love me...

I don't want to be an empty shell, but I don't know how much more I can take, feeling like my qualities where a huge mistake... How do I get out of this well, that truly feels like hell...?

I can't trust people inside my home, even so-called friends are becoming strangers to me...

There influenced by those inside my home, now it seems very one wants to take the piss out of me...

& not just material, but mentally too... Just to be listened to without throwing it back at me...

To be acknowledge would make the world of difference to me... 

A little consideration & apperception would make me happy...

  I wouldn't mind so much that what I say was going unheard...

{It's not like I haven't been there before or being something new no one listening to me...}

Instead of people always seeing & testing how far they can push me,

It feels like they won't be happy until they see my dam right ugly...

To add insult to injury, pour salt on my wounds it's me they call not right in the head... crazy... & I'm back to that feeling I know all to well...

How do I keep giving myself when I know I'm being taken for a fool...

Water of a ducks back is becoming a task, staying true to all that I am is harder to do...

I'm fighting the same shit without fail on a daily base's...

{actually I've done quite well considering how long it's been going on,}

But now it's starting to wear on me, dragging me slowly further out to sea...

To die right now would suit me well... Instead of living this hell... It's driving me crazy, insane... 

I'm beginning to unravel little by little, piece by piece...

I believe these people won't be happy until I'm down on my knees & give up on loving & liking me...

Lost in the darkness, blindness to what niceness that was once me...

I use to believe in them, I use to believe in me...

I thought the best things in life were free, So why is it so costly for me...

I'm Gods design, I'm suppose to be exactly the way I am...

So why am I made to feel like a nobody... I just don't know what I believe any more,

but self-doubt keeps knocking so loud on my door...

& just when I think it can't get any worse, another ground-hog day, never the reverse...

Maybe I'll be appcepicated when in my Hurst...

crocodile tears that's what it will be... 

Because I wouldn't feel so worthless right now if I meant anything to the people revolve around me...

I'm truly starting to believe I'm gonna stay invisible to all that pretend to care, to everyone who use's & abuse's a good soul like me... 

I now understand why people have lost faith in humanity, It's made me weary for sure...

If I can't trust the ones in my life, why trust someone you just don't know...

{because not everyone is the same... See at present some of me still remains} I pray that I conquer & rise...

Oh lord not to return to where I've come from... strength & courage because God you see who I am & the good in me... & don't let these people ruin me...

I pray one day that you all have a wake up call, & realise how good people are few & far in between, See your fuck up, Regret & really miss me...

I believe unfortunately it won't happen while I'm the doormat lying down, & allowing my people to treat me how they do...

I know what I need to do, sometimes I just haven't got the strength too...

there's fear mixed up in there somewhere too...

I hope I figure it out before the darkness comes with no one in my circle who cares to hear my calling, On my spiral keep on falling...

  Please dear lord listen to me... What I still believe in is you...