That’s Not Me Anymore

I bet you weren’t alert of my struggles as a kid

It contributed to MANY of the immature things I did

Suffering in silence from an illness I was not cognizant about

And others didn’t fathom it either, I was constantly bombarded with shame and doubt

A quote, un-quote, shy, tensed, quiet girl

That’s what many perceived me as, oh what an ignorant world

And I wasn’t immune to the ignorance,

I played a part in that role

But there was a lack of information

Regarding what I now know

There were heavy times in school

For not meeting everyone’s standards

And I still can reminisce on all the mocking and laughter

I specifically remember always sitting in class

And wanting to participate, but the anxiety wouldn’t let me raise my hand

And I remember the pen in my hand, students across from me proclaiming, "girl, stop writing so fast"

I recall the tedious questions, “Why are you so shy? Why are you so quiet?”

Hearing that on a constant basis, was oh so extremely tiring

Tiring because I didn’t know what was going on deep down

I was only a kid, and remember, I didn’t know what I know now

I still have the memories that haunt me

Like sitting at a lunch table, appearing as if I was petrified to eat

And others would question, “Why do you eat like you’re scared?”

I could not reply, so I would just stare

Their words smacked me with shame,

And left my mouth locked

Confusion, embarrassment, resides in my thoughts

I would want a drink, from the vending machine

But those anxious thoughts, begun to suffocate me

I’d get up and pass, so many students

Nervous to the point, I would rather be in ruins

I would sit back down, and the question returned

Why you’re so shy? That question burned

The guilt cut me hard, and I just could not sip

The thing that I wanted, that one tasty drink

I pushed it aside, this couldn’t be life

And I can recall report cards, I always did well

in classes

But one discomforting comment from teachers turned my confidence to ashes

It was always, she is so quiet, she is so reserved

Every time when reading that, I covertly felt the hurt

Because it would always remind me of my flaw

It was unknown anxiety, covered and all

Let's take a ride to Washington Heights, the hood I grew up in

Oh, the memories that randomly visit me, then the shame begins

Subconsciously wanting others to fill my unknown void

Doing reckless, ingenuous things

Forgive me, I didn't mean to annoy

Acting like a child, & always speaking rapidly and quick

I glance at my past now; I didn't know I was sick

Apprehensive of neighbors’ sly mental judgments

Didn’t properly conversate at times, anxiety left me reluctant

And I also recall, when being in the streets, invasion of nerves, took over my being

At times, I stood up, in the middle of night, and begun to purge, the demons inside

I lost much great weight, I was shocked and surprised

Was never bulimic, that isn't the term

The enemy was always those a-nnoying nerves

I’d come home from school, and not say a word

Would go straight to bed, depression occurred

Fast forwarding, I have a diagnosis

I am a socially anxious person, a naive kid didn't know this

I look at past behaviors, and now a lot makes more sense

It was a hidden mental illness that left me in distress

And even lack of experience played a major part in my savageness

Who knew a mental disorder could interfere with maturity & with what one did?

Individuals always claiming, "Oh, she's so innocent and naive"

It's peculiar an anxiety disorder did this to me

But NOW I have wisdom, NOW I have strength

I have gained MUCH experience, on life's various subjects

Do you think you can play me, or take advantage again?

Dig information out of me, without my consent?

I've grown and I've learned, I am not who I was then

But I’m smarter now, I understand why you did what you did

She’s a sharp-eyed warrior, Her epithet? Label her a detective

You would not even guess my passions & interests now

You would not even guess, the things I know now

And  I realize now, you had insecurities yourself

So, it was always a competition, to see who did well

But we all have our demons, so I have nothing against you

Everyone deals with things; times are happy & times are blue

You also had voids, you needed fulfillment

Trying to impress others, as if they could they fill it

Give me a break, people will tear you like paper

You worship the creature, rather than the creator

I’m not better than you & you’re not better than I

We come from the same God, who produced darkness and formed light

We’ve all met pain; we’ve all met hurt

And it never fails to remind me, that sometimes you win & sometimes you learn

I still have certain traits, that the Lord blessed me with

I'll use it for good, and I'll use it for Him

Wise as a serpent, and gentle as a dove

This girl you see now is not who she was

That Kim from the past strolled out the door

That Kim from the past is not me anymore ✌🏻