Hopes of a broken heart

Is it so much to ask, I wonder

My thoughts overshadow my sleep and I am stuck in a paralysis of what if 

What if I hadn't responded to that first hello

What if I hadn't hugged you the first time I saw you 

What if I hadn't let myself fall for you 

Fall so hard it hurts as I beg for yet another day to be proclaimed as your secret lover 

"It can never be me" an anthem I liked saying

But look at me now 

Like the dry ground yearning to be quenched 

I yearn for your attention 

Am I under a spell 

Because I can see myself falling deeper into the arms of my perpetrator

The only person who made me believe that maybe love doesn't deserve labels

Your unspoken words make me question the undeniable attachments I have that drain the life out of me 

They say our white blood cells are the soldiers of our body 

But how come they fail to protect me from your deadly claws 

With nails clenching my heart which has self-medicated so much its immune to the pain

Do I serve as part of your statistics

Of the girls, you managed to manoeuver into your mansion of dead-end promises 

In my paralysis, I just wonder what if just for a day 

I had control 

To toy, you like my puppet

Strings attached to your body, like how each word you said left a mark 

Controlling my soul

Only then I believe will you realize 

How helpless it feels to be controlled 

I can control my words, but this heart of mine beats only for one person 

The same person who yet again has managed to manipulate me into believing that fairytales exist 

That every person deserves a 50th chance

Oh my, for how long will you endure the pain organ

I can't call you my heart because you don't belong to me anymore

I no longer want to fall in love

Falling is painful

I want to walk into it

Slide into it

Gently lay with it

I want so much because what-ifs only limit your expectations

Making you too scared to take the first step 

The first step of admitting that am not yours, neither are you mine 

Whether its the wrong place or just terrible timing 

I hope in your next life you feel the warmth of a love I have failed to make you feel