MY VIEW {A LITTLE GIRL LIKE ME}

So many parts I don't or can't figure out...
There's so much I need to talk about...
But not a word is said beneath my silent breath...
I wrote so many words, yet none I seem to recall...
Just a distant memory of what was once so real & true...
Every feeling put into words, felt so good to be hopeful that maybe, just maybe someday people would read & finally understand complicated little old me...
The world though my eyes first hand...
The damage, The hate, The conflict, How my world came about... 
How it was for me at seven or eight...
The rejection, the hurt, the words that repeated only I heard...
The stranger that once was me...
Never apart of my family...
Always knowing & feeling the hidden truth that I didn't belong...
Everything always felt so wrong...
So confused in my surroundings, No helping hand reaching out...
Just people guessing & trying to figure me out, making me full of self-doubt...
Full of hate, madness & sadness, so little I knew... 
But un-loved was very true... Un-wanted too...
The only facts given to a little girl, a child called me...
The emotions that drove me wild... Surly my daddy didn't lie to me...?
Why would he state & shout it so loud...
How I wasn't wanted or loved at all...
Why did mummy bother to have me at all...?
That's the question I would ask again & again...
No reassurance from my own, even the professionals didn't see... 
Everyone just looked though me, passed the little girl called me...
I was blamed, I was born bad, mad, just not right in the brain...
wired so wrong to never belong...
Yeah I was the problem that had to be gone, I was hoping I was wrong...
No one cared about me, that hurt more than anyone could see...
I didn't stand a chance, I only wanted to be apart of my family...
little, big lies I did tell... I wanted attention, who could blame the little girl called me...?
But it backfired as all lies do... Because one day a lie was said that I swear I never told...
It didn't matter either way, the next day mummy got her wish I would be gone...
Never to live again with my family name...
My world broken, Shattered in two... Mummy knew exactly what to do...
Broken home, broken trust, Broken family, broken little girl called me...
Nothing stable, always unable, confused & lost would be the cost...
Not only gone but forgotten too...
I was just a disappointment that brings shame to the family name...
Made to believe, think & feel I was bad, I was mad...
I truly did believe I was born wired all wrong...
It took me years to figure out that I was a child that no one cared about...
The scrap-goat for the problems my parents had...
I become the reflect, deflect, A bad reminder to all, That really I was what they made me... A consequence of there cause, when I shouldn't have been any consequence at all...
No one see or saw the damaged little girl inside, my issues, insecurities, emotions...
I had an emotional breakdown at seven years old...
I carried there shit for most of my life... 
I walked a lonely road full of trouble & strife for a very, very long time...
Every corner hurting more than the last, always holding on to my past, that always stayed like stained glass, A mirror to a reflection that would always be me with all these issues that hated what I see...
It didn't matter what it would be, I was always wrong...
I struggled to see, find myself, or where I belonged...
I didn't have a clue from what cloth was I cut... from what apple tree...?
Where was my steam, What flower would I be...?
Always remembering them awful sentences I heard...
It's true what they say about how words are the most powerful drug of all...
To this day I remember every word, I remember them all...
I remember as clear as day mum said 'I'm gonna make sure you suffer, just like I had too'...

I was shocked, I'd been away, no where near for over five years...
Just got my first flat, & she came round to tell me that... 
In front of who was there as well... 
Yeah it was very clear, she hated me more than before...
She went out of her way to make life for me as difficult as it could be...
Her eyes said it all... there was no love for me, no love at all...
I let go of the hate, anger & all the negativity with acceptance of the little girl that was me...

I forgave, never to forget... Never letting the past define me... 
Seeing the good in all around me... Being grateful for everything I am & have...
Positive Mental Attitude I try to maintain for the woman called me...