Heartache Sunday

I knew you'd break my heart
Tear it into two 
Right through
You promised you wouldn't
Yet I think I always knew you would 
My senses were tingling the past few weeks
I want more than what you seek
I crave excitement
fun
and adventure 
Not just to be curled by your side watching a show, getting ready for lowering our head on the pillow for bed
Although I love when you would cuddle me and make me feel so peaceful and floaty
But what about the other times 
I wanted to play and you were always too tired 
I wanted you to reassure me and tell me everyday
That you want me, that you love me
That you'll stay 
But instead 
I was just going against the inevitable
The constant doubt and dread that bubbled in my mind 
Because I don't feel that your mine, the commitment was never there 
You don't want to plan for things ahead 
You would rather lie in an empty, lonely bed 
You don't have that depth that I deserve and need 
It's pure greed, just wanting to be with you when I know we're not the right fit,  the right shoe maybe but not the right size

It's time to be wise 

 you've exposed my vulnerability 
I gave you me, in it's entirety
but
It wasn't enough for you 
My personality supposedly is damaging to your introverted heart and brain
I wear you out
Your words cut into me like a sharp razor blade
You won't fight for me 
You don't need me or want my body next to yours
You want to flee and escape and go back to your empty miserable life 
Like I always knew that you would 
In the back of my mind, I never truly trusted you were fully mine
Because you never gave yourself fully to me
Always holding back, alway getting ready to launch that grenade
And blow up the happiness that we had built 
And the overpowering guilt you've made me feel 
Am I not good enough 
I should be quieter, gentler
Calmer like a shell of the being that I am 
You don't appreciate my sassiness, my fiery northern spirit 
That cares about people, the world and injustice around 
But wait that's not peaceful enough for you
It's too much, too much energy and stress
What a total fucking mess
I love you, even though you have your mental and health issues because I chose you
To me it was true
I wanted you to be my person
There for me, holding my hand like I would for you but mainly loving me for who I am and the possibilities ahead 
You make me feel I'm asking the impossible
When I'm just asking for you to love me like I love you 
The story we know from a long time ago is you can't make somebody love you
There's no spell no magic wave of a wand 
Or a song 
It's either there or it isn't
Alive or drowning 
Drowning so far down 
We are nearly sunk like war ships in the ocean 
Gone and lost forever 
With no chance of return 
All we can do is move on and learn 
To never except a version of love 
It's either there or
It isn't 
I don't believe there's a between 
You either believe and fight 
Or you bury it, gone and out of sight 
Love letters on a page don't mean a thing
When I look in your eyes and see emptiness and your face is a shade of sadness 
A witness to no delight 
Heartbreak pain is like no other
Feels like being smothered by smoke
Your Suffocating and can't catch your breath 
But I know that 
It's better to catch my breath now than suffocate for any longer, where my breath will be harder to catch and more damaging to heal 
In the long run
I know it's for the best 
But that doesn't abolish the pain in my heart, the tears that fall down my face when I think of what we had and what we are left with 
Nothing 
An empty deafening silence that hurts my ears every day
Just waiting to close my eyes and shut it all away, dreading when I have to open my eyes to the bright sunlight that pierces through my blinds, signalling a new day of heartache