Безисходность

There is a story

It is a story that wasn’t told in full

The day was kosher, but as the night falls

I fall as well from my sobriety

I hoped the high would give me more

But left me sole anxiety,

I hoped I’d  vanish

I sit here alone

I’m feeling strange

Strange down to the soul

What have I done

A sinful child, in me

Makes me act out wild

Pay attention to me!

Make my life worth something  …(27)

Oh dear father I’d like to pray

But I don’t know how

My surroundings made spiritually such shame

Like sex, booze and suicide

I sit here and I sit here contemplating of each subject listed. Feeling great shame.

For what!? For being human? But no matter how many times I tell myself that . It won’t help

I have a sickness

I’m missing mom

I’m far too gone to write this

I miss something I couldn’t possibly miss

A torn out heart, was regenerates as cold block of ice. I thought not feeling would help my case. I’ve practiced hard to never shed a tear. Reflection in the mirror is who I fear. Build walls of protection I can’t even see. Just feel that dull ache inside. So i move on with a smile in daily life. But I hurt, dear. So endlessly, but as you see me, you see what I want to be and what I want you to see. To see me happy, don’t worry about me. I’ll do my best to be here to serve. As an employee, friend, bum, animal, concerned about others genuinely. Want to make sure the pain I felt and feel only visits me.

—- doctor Z