Melancholy

Depression doesn’t mean you are always sad.

It is not the emo kid in the corner with black hair hanging over their face

It is not streaming mascara and frowny faces

It is not lying in bed all day, though sometimes that’s all you want to do

 

It's having dark and ominous clouds overhead. The storm is always brewing, but it comes and goes in stages.

There are days where the clouds aren't so dark. There are days that they are swirling, condensing, but the rain holds.

It is not always raining, there are moments where the sun peeks through.

There are moments in a depressed person's day that you could point to and say: "that person is not depressed, look at them laugh, look at them smiling."

 

I am in a state of pensive existentialism, it's an internal state of processing life and meaning

What is my purpose? Is what I am doing making a difference? Does life matter at all? What's the point?

If there is no afterlife, what is this all for? We struggle to find comfort and happiness, while trying to figure out how to live with inevitable suffering

I am often lost in thoughts of negativity toward myself, my life in general

Thoughts of how I am doing with my job, how my family and friends perceive me

I often think about doing something different, doing something new to change my life

But the depression pushes it down, I am not good enough, I am comfortable with what I have, I have settled.

I have a deep desire for change, but lack the willpower, the ability to overcome the first hurdle that is myself.

 

Other factors are thoughts of death, loss, fears, embarrassment

It makes me question my interaction with others:

Are they being genuine? Do they think I am not genuine? Am I?

Will they let me down? Do they think I will let them down? Will I let them down? I don't want to... But can I control it?

Am I someone my family members would be friends with if I wasn't related to them? What would they think of me if I was a stranger?

 

The dark clouds swirl and condense

Then the rain breaks

Those are the moments of what seems like perpetual sadness or grief

Unfortunately, this is the snapshot of depression most people see