Touch not wanted

This is not done but its something:

My body goes stiff as my breath begins to fade, where do I begin to even describe this disgusting feeling going through my bones as you sit there and look me in my eyes and smile? You begin to tell me how amazing I am, How beautiful I look and how no other girl can “do it like me” but to you this feels good right? This is normal to you right? Because my body reacts to it that makes it okay right? My mind wanders all around as It starts to feel like I am fighting you off but in reality I’m not, I can’t ! Tears are falling down my eyes as you whisper in my ear “ what a pro you are baby”. You wake up the next morning and pretend it didn’t even happen , while me on the other hand I’m flinching at a hug from my friend or a high five from my uncle. I’m traumatized  and you don’t even realize how much you just changed things for me, a boyfriend yea ok! I had a boyfriend but I thought I needed to “please” a man by doing the things you did to me, so that he would stay and be happy, I didn’t take care of myself, my hair was always nappy clothes a mess everything was a disaster because I gave up! I let what you did to me take over my entire life in the matter of a blink. I am a whole new person, I’m sometimes to quiet or too loud. What you did to me changed me completely I will bever be that same little girl again, I will never not look at a guy and think how disgusting is he?