Never Again

I’m at church camp.

I’m in the front row with my brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I raise my hands. You raise your hands.

You don’t know what it means to raise your hands but you do it anyway. 

“By raising our hands we submit ourselves to Him

We have surrendered ourselves to God.

Our being and our lives belong to Him.” I find myself saying. You nod. 

My hands are raised to show that God is my Healer. My strong tower. My help.

I feel my legs shake and my heart tremble. I’m encountering the Holy Spirit. At the time, I didn’t know. I thought I was being emotional and scared. 

Before I know it, I’m kneeling in front of the God All-Mighty.

You are Yahweh. You are Jehovah. You are Jireh. You are Nissi. You are Shalom.  You are Adonai. You are Elohim. You are El Olam. You are El Elyon. You are El- Shaddai. You are Yahweh Tsidkenu. You are Shammah. You are Omega. You are the beginning and the end. The Prince of Peace. You are mine.

My life before you, I dare not remember.

The lies, the forbidden images, the knives, the blades, the fist, the blood,  the atheism, the tears, the therapists, the crippling depression, the trembling anxiety that left me awake for hours, the tremors, the hurt, and the pain, the medications all gone in a blink of an eye.

No one else knew but You.

You saw it and saved me. Saved my life. 

What can I do to repay you?

There’s nothing I can ever do to give you back the mercy and grace you gave to me.

I kneel and raise my hands to surrender to you.

I feel the eyes staring at me. The judging eyes.

They stare at me because of my past because I am kneeling in the front of a small room in Pennsylvania.

They’re judging me for the reason that I even walked up here in the first place.

But I don’t care.

Because it’s all in my head.

They aren’t judging me.
They are holding me and praying for me.

“ Not everyone is your enemy. Sometimes you need that help and love. I know you’ve had people hurt you in the past but just open your heart just this one time. I have put these people in your life for a reason. Don’t reject their love. Accept it. As you accept their love, You are accepting me,” I hear God whisper in my ears. 

I felt the tears roll down my face and the hands of my church family all around me.

I feel joy.

I’m loved.

You love me, they love me.

Wait I was wrong?

There are actually people who love me.

People who don’t just want to hurt me?

People who are holding me right now and praying for me and allowed God to set me from death.

Set me free from taking my own life.

I will never think that way again. I will never say I’m not loved ever again. I will never let Satan invade my thoughts ever again. 

You gave your life for me and I will do the same.

Everything I do will be to honor you.

Your being will be exalted.

I want to be with You forever.

I want to feel your warmth and I want you to hold me because You are God.

You are my savior.

My God.
You saved me from death’s hand. You saved me from me. 

My life has changed forever because You are in it.

You are mine. Forever and ever.