A Poem to my Rapist

What a way to end things

I was nothing but good to you

Your wish was my command no matter how much it hurt me to do

I obeyed every order and piece by piece you took me apart

The parts of me I liked having around were now relying on your words to be true

What a fool I was

You love me

You would tell me

But what you had for me wasn’t love

It was guilt trips and hidden tears in order to keep you from tearing me down

Your words cut deep into my soul so I cut deeper into my wrist

You tell me I look good in red, now my body is stained crimson

I broke myself apart to fit your every need

What about me?

What did you do for me besides trick me into thinking you loved me?

I was just 15

That’s too young to experience these awful things

I get attacked by these memories when I feel good

It’s my brains’ way of reminding me I’m not allowed to be happy

The words you would say to me to make me feel the pain you were in 

Now I’m suffering

You dragged me down with you with no intention of helping me back up

These harsh words you say to me when things don’t go your way

You slut shame me for simply having a crush when I’m not even yours anymore

Yet your on your knees begging to be inside of me

Now how is that right?

How did you get your way?

How did you get so lucky to experience me?

You mistook my kindness for weakness

Now all I have left of me is the hurtful things you convinced me to believe

I’m a slut for giving myself away as you told me

What does that make you for being the one who claimed me

I find myself looking in the mirror your words made me to be

I see nothing good anymore

A wilted flower

On the inside I’m burning, but I keep my composure for you

When will a new blossom form?

A flower that has not been touched by your fingers

A flower that knows nothing of your scent, or the way made me watch while you hurt yourself

I can see right through you

But it’s too late

You took my purity

I lay there in tears saying no while you begged for more 

Can’t you hear me?

I’m screaming in my mind

I’m skipping meals again

My ribs now visible 

120

115

110

106

Maybe if I stop eating, these foods won’t taste like the acid you made me swallow

If I change my appearance I won’t look like the girl you raped

Did you catch that?

The GIRL

I was made an adult too soon

What I would give to look in the mirror and dance instead of cutting every inch of me that isn’t perfect

How did it take me years to realize I was perfect in my skin

Now because of you my skin is covered in scars from my silver pencil

And you got away with it

Forcing me to keep this secret while threatening your life certainly made it hard to give an honest answer

All the nights I spent crying after realizing what I let you do to me

My stomach drops at the thought of your lips on my skin

Your greedy hands taking everything in sight

You selfish bitch 

Was it not clear to you when I said no

No does not mean convince me

I knew what was on the line

You only mentioned it every time you didn’t get your way

The pictures of knives oh I wish I would’ve just said end it

Now you've taken my life

What little will I have left in me to keep going

But how can I exist in a world where you exist?

I pray no girl has to go through this with you

No girl should feel like death is the only option left 

You were too much of a fucking coward to face the truth that I did not love you

Those few seconds after you were done using me when you showed the minimal amount of affection was less than worth it

I hope you’re happy 

You have damaged a pure soul

A soul now tied down with grief and pain

Slowly I am breaking away from your grasp

I will not let you win again

Most days are hard

One song

One scent

One name

And I'm crashing back down again

Suffocating in the memories of you violating me

I want to breathe again

One day you will have no hold on me and I will be the one who wins

I will be the survivor that never gave up

You will lose

For now I will go through the motions of healing

Standing in pit of glass I will not stop jumping until I break free from you

I will piece myself back together even better than I ever could

And you,

I will not fall blindly to you any longer

You will get what's coming 

And I hope it comes when you’re least expecting it.