The Tragic Gift of Life

(Anxiety)

Anxiety is a pain that never goes away,

Laying in bed crying and sweating at the end of the day,

Believing I’m fine because that’s what family would always say,

I expect help but to my dismay,

Everyone telling me to keep pushing but I can’t stay,

If I’m told something I must obey,

I can’t remember the last time I was ok,

Sweat dripping, mood dipping, heart skipping,

My words are slipping,

My hearts burning,

My stomach's turning,

But what do I know my families discerning,

Worrying so much about everything I say is very concerning,

I miss when I was young and little things made me delighted,

(Bipolar)

There are brief moments where I feel excited,

Lighted,

Guided,

Anxiety goes down and I see my goals,

Then I lose the controls,

My plan fills with holes,

My brain has switched roles,

Anxiety shows up, panic blows up, wanting to throw up,

Complete loss of energy,

Everything is now just a memory,

What should I put myself through and what should I not,

Will I cause damage or unwind a knot,

Everything no longer matters,

My hope shatters, 

Anger unravels,

This demon has been released,

It’s hard to express so I may need to repeat,

And give me time don’t say a peep,

Feeling so trapped I no longer want to live,

Not a knife but a shiv,

Used when needed,

Worsens as repeated,

Only works as well as it’s treated,

Seeing others happy makes me feel defeated,

I see what I can’t be,

What I can’t have, that I’m not free,

Thoughts challenging me that I’m too weak,

Cut deeper you coward,

There’s the ledge walk forward,

Take that bottle of pills, you’re cornered,

(OCD)

My mind racing, nothing sorted,

I just wish I could be,

Free of thoughts that overwhelm me,

Wash hands again, tomorrow you won't see,

Avoid corners with your head,

Waking up the next day shouldn't be something you have to dread,

You're not going to wake up tomorrow if you don't get fed,

Great you stepped on my bed,

Now I have to change my sheets to ease my head,

Can’t let go of people that are dead,

I feel like there’s this weight in my head being pressed,

(PTSD)

Post-traumatic stress,

My head is a mess,

Before I felt full and now I feel less,

I asked for help but no one addressed,

I don’t feel like I will ever progress,

I will no longer have success,

Thinking or going anywhere near causes so much distress,

I’m having nightmares and flashbacks I must confess,

Too scared to leave the house I never would have guessed,

Noises and lights keeping me up at night,

Scared to go back to sleep, no rest,

This may have never happened unless,

My family listened,

(Empathy)

I always try to make others see how life glistens,

Putting myself through pain to help others,

I get beat down by my brother,

And pushed away by my mother,

I try to be included in school but I’m just a bother,

At home I feel like I am always being smothered,

To do better,

I always think there’s something missing,

Maybe it’s because everyone was always so dismissing,

I would never harm you,

My brother and mother always argue,

I just bow down to not upset her,

I try to make her happy but he doesn’t let her,

I get grounded while my brother gets better,

His gift would be better than what I would get her,

Not able to be there for my younger and my father,

For my grandpa and my mother,

It hurts me too much to be there, 

To watch abuse,

I can see he’s in pain, it’s not hard to deduce,

I’ll have to send him a letter,

Treated unfairly but can’t speak up who am I to say,

I witness my friend getting bullied and there I lay,

I wish I could have stepped in but anxiety wouldn’t let me say,

Even at my worst I try to make sure others are okay,

I ask my brother why he seems down and his head is tilted that way,

Then he tells me he doesn’t want to talk and pushes me away,

I’m in the water and he’s on the bay,

I’m drowning but all that matters is that he’s okay,

Narcissism surrounds me, everyone’s problems are the same or “worse”,

I don’t even want it in reverse,

I just wish the conversations were more diverse,

The people that listen don’t like the negativity,

I feel like I’m in captivity,

You’re my mother and my brother you have a responsibility,

When it comes to the ones closest there's no reliability.

Family says they will change but don’t,

They say it will help but I said it won’t,

Now I’m right and it’s because I’m resisting,

Maybe it’s because you’re not assisting,

I’m just existing,

It’s like no one even attempts to try,

I’m gone by the night like the sun in the sky,

I’m now flying high,

It must suck you never got to say goodbye,

How does that feel,

To lose your son how will you deal,

I wish I could have been more than everyone’s shield,

I can no longer be used, my coffin is sealed,

I wonder how far you’ll make it,

When the person you trust the most takes your heart and they break it.