The Ex

I’ve got a flat tyre.

Congratulations, hope you’ll both be very happy.

Can you fix it?

Are you going to a fancy dress party?

I’m getting married, Sherlock.

Wow, kept that quiet, who’s the poor sod.

Nigel, and I’m in a bit of a rush, so if you don’t mind.

Leave it to me, that’s what us ex’s are for. You wearing a Basque under that dress.

Is that any of your business.

Just making the usual ex’s conversation, don’t lose the garter.

Yes, it is traditional, now can you get a move on.

Can’t get the wheel off, but not to worry I’ll drive you there, wherever there is.

It’s the registry office.

Okay jump in, where’s the honeymoon.

Skegness.

You’re joking, it’s freezing in Skeggy at this time of year.

His mum died there, so it’s a sort of goodbye.

So he’s a mummy’s boy then.

He’s not a mummy’s boy, it’s just a nice thing to do.

Do you want me to walk you down the aisle?

Why the hell would I want you to walk me down the aisle, plus, there isn’t an aisle.

Just the thing ex’s do for the one they love.

Don’t you start, just get me there.

Okay but don’t cry when I start crying.

Piss off.

Four hours later, the phone rings.

Could you come and get me?

What do you mean come and get you, you’re married?

He’s brought his mum into the bedroom.

Well you did say he’s a mummy’s boy, so he carries her ashes about, think it as something old.

She isn’t in ash form.

Jesus, tell me he didn’t get her stuffed.

She isn’t dead.

This is brilliant, only you could get married into the Münster family, send me the photos, so I can show them to the guys down the pub.

You just get down here and pick me up, this is an emergency.

Oh! I don’t know, I’m sort of liking this marriage of yours, it’s slightly weird, but in a good way.

Do you want to see what I’m wearing under this dress?

That is blackmail, will mummy in law approve of this kind of talk.

Last time, do you want to see what I’m wearing.

Bombing up the motorway as we speak.