An Alternative Life: A Five Part Narrative

Part 1. A Musing

I am warm and comfortable, enveloped in a soft cozy chair, in a dimly lit room. The only light is from the flickering fireplace flames and the two candles on the mantle above. Half awake, half in a dream, limbs unfold and move toward the partially frosted window pane to peer out on a sky as black as ink pierced by the bright northern star. The wishing star, the dreamer’s star, the star of love and hope, the wanderers star guiding the path home. Outside my cozy chamber the invisible wind makes its presence known by whispers and howls. Behind me a damp piece of wood snaps and discharges a plume of steam up and out to escape into the night. All else is silent save the thoughts in my mind. Do I hear the musings or just sense there is a conversation. A conversation with whom? Thoughts are like clouds pushed along by the wind ever moving, ever changing, some dark, some bright. I feel tired and the comfort of the chair beckons me to sit alone with my thoughts.

Part 2. A Dream

Clouds are moving in. I am standing on a sun baked shore. My skin is hot and damp, which is at odds with the chill my feet feel in the swirling surf around my ankles. At this point the blue sea has faded to a clear bubbling broth causing the sand beneath my feet to liquefy, drawing me down into its grasping embrace. How far, I fleetingly think will I continue to sink until I am trapped. My thoughts draw me back to the previous night when my skin was cool, the lights dim, the music soft and the sight of cascading auburn hair over lightly tanned shoulders captivated my gaze drawing me in. A glance, a word and friendly conversation followed. Her voice was musical, her eyes cheery and bright with a face that glowed with a happy countenance. The night was young and the floor crowded. Swaying bodies moved to and fro as I held her soft smooth body next to mine. Time passed but I did not know it or feel it. But as with all things the night must end to allow the dawn to rise and I bid auburn a good night parting with a promise to meet again. On a sun baked shore my skin feels hot and damp, my ankles feel a chill of swirling cold water and I am waiting, waiting for a promise made, a promise kept or a promise made and not.

Part 3. Love

The Fire is dying down. I should add more fuel and perhaps it would also brighten my mood, but at the moment I am tired and lost in thought. I have loved and have been loved. It seems so long ago. Did it bring me all of the happiness I thought it would or did it eventually lead to despair? Should I or could I have expected more? Love is a two-sided coin with happiness on one side and misery on the other. Emotional love requires someone to love. Love is an uncontrollable yearning feeling to be with another. Being in love dictates your thoughts about them and your desire to see them happy, safe and content without want. These thoughts drive you to action by giving affection mentally and physically and by showing appreciation by listening and sharing thoughts. But love is a two-sided coin and can be destroyed by a multitude of sins on one’s part. Love needs and desires active attention. In the absence of attention uncertainty spreads its tendrils and gives rise to questioning the trust of another, their motives and negative feelings toward their broken promises. So I wonder did I love and show my love through action or did I expect love to be self renewing without having to put forth an effort? As I sit here alone I must concede that my happiness did not depend on love but love was dependent on my efforts and therefore my happiness.

Part 4. Children

My face is flush from the heat of the fire. It’s flames dancing to and fro to the sounds ofthe crackling and popping of the overheated wood. The clouds in my mind are drifting apart and I am reminded of the delightful way children spot shapes in clouds on warm sunny afternoons while laying on a soft grassy hillside. Children, the love and bond between parent and child is the strongest force in the universe, stronger than the love and devotion between man and woman for it is through man and woman the child is born. There is a spiritual and chemical tie that creates the bond, unshakeable, unbreakable. Your children are yours yet not yours. From the day they are born you may nurture and guide them but their thoughts are their own and by nature’s command they are driven to find their own path in life. They are the children of tomorrow and you can guide them only so far. A mother’s tie to a child outweighs the father for she has known the creation and growth of life inside her and the birth of a living form. It is her heart that carries the most concern for the child’s welfare. Something a man can understand but never fully comprehend. It is with some regret that I was not the father I should have been. But I am content with the knowledge that where parents fail children can still exceed.

Part 5. Mortality

The clock on the mantle is chiming. Time is so fleeting. The candlestick flames bordering the clock dim and project no shadows. Much like the life I have had which burned bright but left no shadows of consequence. There is but a single ember left in the hearth where dancing flames once were. Warmth is fading and I feel a chill in my bones. The spark of life appears out of nowhere and grows brighter with each passing second. Nurtured and fed it becomes a flame burning ever so brighter as the years pass. But like the flames in my fireplace there comes a time when the flame of life starts to die down and like the final glowing ember buried in the ashes it too will soon extinguish. So goes the ember so will I go and who will mourn me when I am gone? My family? Friends? When I cease to exist and I am dead and my ashes are finally spread will I be remembered at all or too soon forgotten?