Like the Inside of an Orange

The fire within me knows your name, shimmering broken pieces of love flickering in the dark shadows. It compels me, this darkness eating away at me. I looked around for a lifeboat, but there was none. I screamed so loud, but the Devil's got my tongue. This aching hole has no life force, no rhyme or reason. Slipped back like a vitamin, walking home in the rain. I tasted the sweetness of death, the lingering black sky above me roared, but my mind was silent. I didn't need to think. There was nothing to think about, no twist of fate or scripture. The sound of rain grew louder. It was Psychosurgery. Profusely bleeding into blank pages, the aching heart of my mind. I used to look at the stars and hope one day I will wake up and realise this is all a bad dream, a distilled essay with no important meaning. But now I know, there was never any point in hoping to begin with. There was never any point in touching wood when it won't change reality, when the superstition has taken form. You turn your back and things move. You see people on hospital beds, shrunken cheeks and drooping eyelids. There is a deeper voice out there. A dune drifting with the winds, an echo in an ocean flowing with time. The glow of fireflies takes me like a lantern back home, dimmed by the night's mist. I was meditating. I was learning to appreciate the magic in mundane beauty, straying from the darkness which propels me into distorted motion, this unthinkable thirst, but it all fell apart. Every so often I hear a car passing by. The room is dark but I'm sure it's morning. The daylight is echoing. This is a test. I close my eyes and I see a rainbow, my weak body in rapture. Dancing in the light of yesterday. I look at my phone and see the missed calls. I look at the calendar and see the missed appointments. No one knows where I am, not that anyone truly cares. It's all a false pretence until it's too late, until my words fade. I'm living in the selfish abode of pleasure, fucking myself. Dreaming of touching you. Kissing your lips softly makes me want to cry from happiness. I love nothing more than you, just being with you, forgetting all my fears and worries, how the incense is burning. I smoked so much I made myself nauseous. I spit and the mucous is thick. I drank so much I couldn't stand, just looking in the mirror I see the self-hatred. Fingers pushing through. I think about the old days, I remember you there in the sunlight. Timeless picture. The birds scatter from the trees at the sound of a loud bang. I open my eyes again, everything is new again.