Carver

                             The Trial.

Arthur, Sammy, Davis, Junior, Stevie Wonder, Bob, Mick, Sue, Carver. You are being charged with the partial demolition of a listed building. Endangering the life of one, Mavis Stepney. How do you plead.

Not guilty, your Honour.

I see you are defending yourself, is this wise, or is it the case no other Lawyer will touch you with a barge pole.

I just feel your Honour that I’m just better than most Lawyers.

Well Mr Carver, we better get started on your defence then.

My defence, your Honour is quite straight forward, it’s all down to the Crane driver who obviously wasn’t competent enough to operate a crane with a wrecking ball on it.

Mr Munro, prosecuting, I wish you luck.

Thank you, your Honour.

Well Mr Carver, we’ll never find that out because the Crane driver has mysteriously disappeared, though we do know the Crane was stolen.

And once again your Honour, technically nothing to do with me.

Let us see what is technically to do with you. The bottle of champagne that smashed into Miss Stepney’s head as the wrecking ball smashed into the building, would you agree that was down to you.

Once again your Honour, the champagne bottle had the Crane driver been proficient in operating said Crane would have been placed gently into the hand of Miss Stepney in the romantic gesture that my intention merited.

Where did you get the Crane, Mr Carver?

I do believe it was from a company called, Cranes R Us.

Is that like Toys R Us.

Not really sure of the relevance of that question or the flippancy at the way it’s directed at me.

You are full of bull Mr Carver, do you really believe the jury will believe your cock-and-bull story.

Yes, Mr Munro, I believe the jury will see me for the romantic I am and totally exonerate me.

So anyway, the unromantic jury didn’t believe a word of it, and he was jailed for eighteen months.

     2  

                             MI6 (British Intelligence.)

Mr Smiths office.

Enter the other Mr Smyth.

Carver’s been jailed for 18 months. 

Blast, we need him for Thursday night, we better get down to the prison and discuss the compassionate position Carver is going to find himself in.

    3

                      The introduction to Prison.

This will be your cell for the foreseeable, get used to it.

Hold on a minute, who’s that guy.

That guy, Carver, is your cellmate.

I don’t want a cellmate, I prefer to live alone.

I suggest you put that in writing to the Governor, he likes a laugh. Any other complaints.

The 54-inch TV, where is it.

What 54-inch TV.

The one that all prison cells have.

Think you’ve been reading the Reader's Digest, it’s all lies. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to finish my shift and go home.

The cellmate

I’m English.

So am I.

No, my name is English.

Oh right, I’m Carver. How do I go about getting something to eat, I’m famished.

You wait till breakfast.

I can’t wait that long, can I not ring for service.

Think you're mistaking this place for the Ritz.

Right, where’s the kitchen, I’ll go and get myself a sandwich.

Think you might find the doors are locked, they tend to do that in here, just in case we wander off.

Yeah, well I’m different, I’m a sort of trustee, and I’m allowed to wander about. So, if you give me directions, I’ll go and get myself something to eat.

Well, if you can get out of this cell, you’ll find the kitchen at the bottom of the stairs on the left.

Fantastic, do you want anything.

I would love a coffee and maybe a biscuit to wash it down with.

Great, I’ll be back in twenty.

English looked on in astonishment as the cell door opened and Carver left.

Ten minutes later the cell is opened by the guard followed by two MI6 officers.

The two MI6 officers look at the guard, who is looking at English. Has carver been taken somewhere else.

He’s away to the kitchen for a bite to eat.

Don’t be flippant, English, this isn’t the Ritz. Did someone take him to the kitchen.

He’s a Trustee, he took himself.

Have you ever known anyone to walk into a prison become a Trustee and then to have a bloody key to wander about with?

Well, no, but I’m not up-to-date with the new home office guidelines.

Suddenly, the cell door opens and Carver comes in with a tray of coffee and sandwiches. Well, hello, Mr Smith and Mr Smyth.

The guard just manages to get the words out. What the hell, what the hell is happening here, Carver.

I’ve noticed everyone in here repeats themselves, what is wrong with you people.

I will tell you what’s wrong. Just then he’s ushered out the cell by Mr Smith.

The other Mr Smyth looks at Carver. You just can’t help yourself can you, one hour you’ve been in here and all hell’s been let loose, when will you learn.

When I eat my supper and feel better, this has been quite a traumatic day for me, I’m just glad you’ve turned up to free me.

You aren’t leaving, Carver, well technically you’re not, but you will be leaving on Thursday on compassionate grounds.

Who’s died this time.

Does it matter. Just try to stay in your cell till Thursday, can you do that.

When I get out on Thursday, do I need to return.

Of course, you need to return you’re a criminal it’s not some sort of jolly you're on.