The Diploma.

Did you see the way Debbie was winking at me last night.

That wasn’t winking, her eyes were rolling in disgust.

No, it was definitely come on eyes.

My God, you got arrested at the altar for bigamy, why the hell would she come on to you.

I didn’t realise I was married, I mean, who the hell thinks a guy dressed as Elvis and a Marlon Monroe lookalike could possibly marry you.

Two months in prison wasn’t enough for you.

I actually learned quite a lot in prison, do you know, the prison governess let me work under her.

Tell me you didn’t propose to her.

Of course, I didn’t, though I wouldn’t have minded, she does live in a lovely big house.

How do you know she lives in a big house.

That’s where I served my sentence, it was a sort of house arrest.

I honestly can’t believe what I’m hearing, I mean, how the hell do you do it, do women just feel sorry you.

I’ve got a big heart. So, if you don’t mind texting Debbie and asking her for a date on my behalf.

No problem, actually can’t wait to get the reply. Here goes. Oh, and here’s the reply. ‘’Tell that lying cheating bastard I wouldn’t go out with him if he was the last man on earth.’’ I think that speaks volumes, don’t you.

Fantastic.

What’s fantastic.

So you didn’t see the hidden meaning in that text.

My God, do you know I actually commit people like you, you are utterly delusional.

Text her back and ask her if she wants rage sex.

You are stark raving mad, I really should have you locked up for your own safety.

A Thousand pounds say I’m right, Mr smart Psychiatrist.

A thousand pounds, right, you’re on. Here goes, again. Okay, you’ve got twenty minutes to get to her house before the rage wears off.

Fantastic, oh if you don’t mind putting that money into my account, one will need it for the champagne and oysters to get our strength back for the night session.

I am going down to my office, and I’m going to pull every diploma off the wall and smash them to bits. I am then going to commit myself into the mental asylum, cos I just don’t know what the hell happened there.