A lost vow

From the first time I laid eyes on you I had a feeling
I wanted I had to get to know you you sparked the fire of curiosity
The more we spoke the more we laughed
The more we laughed the more you smiled
The more I felt the glow the serenity of your joy
All we did at first was get ice cream then lie about it
After a while I started to fall for you
You became all that I could think about all I could dream about...You were my world
We laughed we cried we loved we hated we fought with and against one another but we came back to each other we loved each other...until it was lost
For years we spent apart fighting to see each other always saying we missed each other
To love unconditionally for the brief moments that shared together
Years of a heart being shrouded in darkness yearning for belonging to be loved cursed by years of betrayal and embarrassment
To finally find a woman who wanted to hold you as much as you wanted to hold her
You wanted to give your barbed wire heart too...hoping she could give it what you needed
And it worked for a while
You wanted to give her your all your mind body spirit and every earthly possession
You were my dream I wanted not only for me but you to succeed at what you wanted to watch us both complete our dreams you were the driving force behind every step every beat the fan to my fire
Everything I did was for you..for us but you just couldn't grasp it so you got mad and fought back
But every time I tried to love you harder love you more you needed me to elaborate to justify why
I wanted to love you with all my heart
Sometimes my explanations didnt make sense to you but I tried to explain how my heart felt but again to you it didnt make sence
It was stupid... it was childish
I was and still am willing to go through the darkest pit of hill and swim an ocean of gasoline with a lit torch but even that will only get a why do that
I remember waking up to I love you text or call every morning now I dont remember the last time I heard either one
Used to feel the warmth and comfort of your hugs the sweet nectar of your kiss
But now I can barely get a peck out of you
This past year we have been fighting arguing been at odds
Thinking that we see that we are breaking each others hearts but WE see that I am breaking yours while mine lays in pieces
I do my best to remedy my faults while creating more and doing what you asked
I have yet to see you do what I asked
You said you cant do it it's fake now i think it's more that you wont
If asking for you to give a loving embrace a kiss with me instead of me always giving is fake then is the love that you say is implied fake too
I cant tell you how I truly feel without causing another rift in the canyon that already separates us
Doing what you asked and being more involved isnt enough I don't know what more I can give without seeing an attempt in what I asked for
I have started to build doubts in my mind that we will truly make it and work it out like I had originally dreamed it
I have wanted and have picked out a ring to propose to you with but every time I think things are going great and really starting to mesh something happens and I get scared and wait now that we have lived together it's been one heartache after another
Dark days of depression and solitude watching you smile only to get the permanent look of anger disappears whenever you are look at me
Falling back into darkness asking the always agonizing question of am I worth it to her...is my best boy good enough
Craving just to hear the words I love you come or the random hug is nonexistent
Now that I have gone on another deployment number 16
without hearing your voice but once my faith in us has started eroding and withering
Every day I have barely held on trying to produce a smile while waging war in my mind I'm screaming and fighting for peace in my heart and soul
Wrestling with the uncertainty of what I will come back to
Arriving to see a different side of you
All I want to do is cry and drink my pain away
But I cant do that maybe I can ask for a parlay
We all know that cant happen now
All I can do is gracefully bow
I promised to vow to love you unconditionally and defend you as my family
Now in trying to keep it I have done so much damage you have banned your heart from me
We move to a new unit broken and divided
Even so you are my world and I just sit beside it
Knowing that my world is coming to an end
I still hold that vow to promise to protect and defend
We gave each other what we wanted
Because of that your resentment is now deep seeded
This has been a constant going on for a while
With my heart broken I will still hold my smile
At the end of it all I dont regret anything other than the fact that us has turned back into a me
With your smile being the only thing I see
I will continue to hold my vow and promise to love you unconditionally and protect and defend you always and forever in this life and the next
I ask for two things the first is that you can look back at our time and see that it was a time so beautiful and a time that you enjoyed the second being that you find someone who will love you at the very least as much as I do and that give you what you need and want
You will forever be my soul even when I wont be your cookie anymore
I will always love you
Your greatest poet