Affliction

I’m starved of your heart.
I hunger for it insatiably and impatiently.
Like a frazzled vampire disintegrating in the harsh sunlight,
No other indulgence could relieve my constant suffering.
While I’m enslaved by your gentle soul,
I’m also deprived of it.
It’s a merciless and malevolent addiction;
The remedy is beyond my futile reach,
Slipping through my fruitless fingers
Like elusive, intangible sand.

Palpable memories of a perfect life with you
Remain so vivid, so vigorous, so bewitching.
I’m haunted by your ghost,
It follows me everywhere;
And permeates my consciousness,
Even when I close my eyes.

You were my peaceful person
Who I’ve been waiting for, forever.
You weren’t supposed to push me away,
We were meant to be a soul connection.
You are the toughest addiction to resist.
Like a virus, you linger under my skin.
The only truth I know was the tenderness we shared.

You enchanted me, then you abandoned me.
I was lovesick with intoxication,
You seduced me into your spider’s web;
I was immersed in your irresistible sorcery.
Now left isolated, used-up, extinguished and damaged,
I’m less than garbage to you.

I surrendered my soul to you,
And you persecuted me for it.
You chewed me up and spat me out,
Because me loving you
Was against your rules,
Dictated by fear of commitment.

I dreamed about you,
And you punished me for opening my heart.
I prioritised you,
And you rejected me.
I adored you and trusted you,
And you disappeared,
You ran as far away from me
As you could possibly run.

I played the fool for you.
And you plucked me like a guitar string.
Even in your absence,
Your memory clenches me, holds me prisoner.
You’re like a vice, gripping my exposed, vulnerable heart
And you’re never letting go.

The enormous respect I held for you
Is like letting go of a limb.
The freckles on your face
Were the stars in my sky;
My eyes followed their shapes,
And I invested my dreams in their spontaneity.

I miss your tender heart,
Like the blood beneath my bones;
I miss your miraculous soul,
Like a reason for living.
No amount of self-destruction helps me forget
The bonds that we welded together.

I’m just a fraction of the man I was,
When I was your man.
I’m broken, splintered,
Dissected, fragmented,
Distraught, tormented,
I’m shattered by fallen dreams.

In my knotted state of mind,
I scrutinise this trail of destruction,
Hoping to find the mistakes
That I never knew I made.
Mourning the futility and fruitlessness
Of my best efforts to keep you forever.
Now limping in despair,
Pining for the heart that locked me out.

What do you do
When the woman you want the most
Is the woman you cannot have?
How do you reconcile obliterated dreams?
Where do I find peace through constant pain?

How do I recognise the world around me
When the only truth I’ve ever known
Was dissected from my life?
How do I find harmony
In silence and distance?
When love is so paramount in my life,
Why must my homeless heart survive
So many years without it?

Your triumphant smile
Reduces me to my trembling knees.
The warmth of your glistening chocolate eyes
Picks at the fragile stitches of my emotions.

While every second with you was heaven,
Now every breath without you feels like hell.
Your heart is like the Bermuda Triangle,
You’re an unsolvable puzzle to me;
No closure, no resolution, no peace,
Only frustration.

I stumble through this dark labyrinth,
Repeating the same mistakes,
Hoping to find a kindred spirit.
Am I left to burn permanently
Alone on the precipice of devotion to you,
Which I cannot come back from?

Like a splayed mango cheek,
I’ve turned my heart and my mind inside out,
Trying to make sense of you abandoning me.
After treating you like royalty,
Why was I suddenly repulsive to you?