Home Is Me

I’m hiding under my bed of comfort 

Because I hear commitment creeping in

With that being said,

Can you tell I have divorced parents?

You moved in fast 

Now I catch myself kicking my dirty laundry with shame

My issues have no choice to be something of the past

Constantly questioning if my experiences made me insane

I don’t want you to think my home can’t be a happy one

It is what you make it right? 

But, my record of consistency is close to none

It truly has been fight or flight

And is considered unhealthy to some 

That’s my way of coping

Like a deep clean on a Sunday morning

I feel whole

When my feelings aren’t something I have to keep mourning

I have to stick to it

But let me lay here

In my bed of comfort 

Because another remodel is one of my fears

Continuously having to reconstruct

The structure in which my mind functions 

This is where I feel at peace

Alone, with a clear mind like empty hallways

Hallways that resemble focus and contentment

But lead to me reminiscing on the good ole days

I just don’t want this roof over my head

To be a place I used to know

In this bed

I know I won’t have room to grow

But I like to feel the happiness I give myself 

Appear on my face slow

Like the sunrise 

I put my pride to the side

Multiple times

Creating lines 

That eventually get crossed

So excuse me for not inviting you in 

The walls I built have caused me to get lost 

They’ve grown taller since the last visitor

The spilled milk I haven’t yet cleaned up 

Still makes me bitter

But taking out the trash is a habit I’m trying to develop

While trying not to smudge my windows so I can see clearer

But like I’m struggling to pay the bills

It’s getting harder live 

This way

I plan to warm up 

And have you over like a house warming

But it’s almost like the door I want to open for you is stuck

I want to overcome this

Because my feet are hanging out of this bed

And the boogey man is really me

Grabbing ahold of my ankles

Dragging me down to his level 

Where it’s lonely but that’s where I’d rather travel

It’s hard to leave this space behind

When I feel nothing but solace

And the thought that you might leave me crying

Doesn’t do this hoarded mind any justice

I ask that you take your shoes off

When I finally let you in

I don’t want you tracking in any unwanted messes

Like an ex girl or lies that eventually become endless

Don’t take it for granted

My hospitality

Because these flowers you see are watered with tears

But welcome home

I hope you take it for what it is and not what it appears 

To be.