Squeeze

Alexander J. Wolfe

 

I don't know what to feel

Filled with drugs and chemicals

Synthetic chemicals and authentic influences

It seems that I can never know what it is real

Warring between intellect and affect

Is the affect flat through artifical effects

Or is this effect naturally synthetic

Informed by a life always torn

 

My mind is torn

My heart is torn

Chemicals torn

Impulse torn

Thoughts torn

Feelings torn

Memories torn

Actions torn

All of my mechansims torn

 

I don't know what is real

I don't know what is natural

I don't know if it's my nurture

I don't know if it's synthetic disaster

I don't know what I am

I don't know who I am

I don't know what I feel

Am I even real?

 

Yet I can't deny this melancholic symphony

These vibrations playing out through my psyche

 

Sadly I think they ring true

I wish I could evaporate

My vanity vanquished

I wish I could take reality and make it vanish

Take my being and erase it from being

Extinguish this anguish

Take my feeling and erode it's sealing

Take my thoughts and make them afterthought 

Take this life and suffocate it inside 

Take all of these things and just... squeeze

 

Pressure inching forward

Metal softly creaking

Burnt up grains grating the finish

Intentions wrenching away the inhibitions 

The springs are squeezing

The leverage notches up

A trigger in my mind breaks through

A click squeaks forth from the mechanism

Something inside is let loose

A miniscule mass finds a primer in time

A concept explodes into being

Grains of life are devoured by flame

Inner pressures burst forth to the front of my mind

Part of this Earth rides on through lifes twisted rifling

A new crator is created, an empty mass I could never find

An outcome decided by years of formation

I would never know the history unwritten 

I'd never know the pain unbidden

 

It would all play out in a world with no layout 

Because I took everything outside and with the last I could muster

I turned it all into a simple squeeze. 

 

Alexander J. Wolfe

 

Postscriptum

This is a simple creative outlet. An exploration of hidden thoughts and desires. Today is not the day, that day will never come. I will not allow it. I'm a victim of suicide and will never be the perpetrator. I understand the feelings and desires more than anyone should ever have to, so I urge you, please don't victimize anyone with this selfish desire, I am the product. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Author: Alexander J. Wolfe (Offline Offline)
  • Published: March 27th, 2022 14:41
  • Category: Sad
  • Views: 15
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Comments +

Comments2

  • Christina8

    I admire your courage and I like that you wrote at the end that you wouldn't commit suicide, that you are the product. Cuz I know what thats like too. It's sad. Great write!

    • Alexander J. Wolfe

      Thank you! I wish that no-one would have to know what that's like, I hope that this writing might have some small effect to help people understand the topic in a different light. I wrote the end bit because I didn't want this piece to have a negative effect, and to give the reader a helpful perspective, one that has kept me alive through countless urges. Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • DeviLove

      Wow, what profound words. they have such depth and detail. Beautiful yet so melancholy.

      • Alexander J. Wolfe

        Thank you! I felt like I had a powerful perspective on the topic. I've struggled with these things all my life. My most formative experiences have been the suicides of people I loved. Today I struggle with the confusion of seperating the effects my medications have in contrast with my mental illness and influence of day to day life. The lines are so blurred that I can't read them in a manner of speaking. In this writing I simply put thoughts I had explored onto "paper". Thanks for reading and commenting!



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