I don't know what to feel
Filled with drugs and chemicals
Synthetic chemicals and authentic influences
It seems that I can never know what it is real
Warring between intellect and affect
Is the affect flat through artifical effects
Or is this effect naturally synthetic
Informed by a life always torn
My mind is torn
My heart is torn
Chemicals torn
Impulse torn
Thoughts torn
Feelings torn
Memories torn
Actions torn
All of my mechansims torn
I don't know what is real
I don't know what is natural
I don't know if it's my nurture
I don't know if it's synthetic disaster
I don't know what I am
I don't know who I am
I don't know what I feel
Am I even real?
Yet I can't deny this melancholic symphony
These vibrations playing out through my psyche
Sadly I think they ring true
I wish I could evaporate
My vanity vanquished
I wish I could take reality and make it vanish
Take my being and erase it from being
Extinguish this anguish
Take my feeling and erode it's sealing
Take my thoughts and make them afterthought
Take this life and suffocate it inside
Take all of these things and just... squeeze
Pressure inching forward
Metal softly creaking
Burnt up grains grating the finish
Intentions wrenching away the inhibitions
The springs are squeezing
The leverage notches up
A trigger in my mind breaks through
A click squeaks forth from the mechanism
Something inside is let loose
A miniscule mass finds a primer in time
A concept explodes into being
Grains of life are devoured by flame
Inner pressures burst forth to the front of my mind
Part of this Earth rides on through lifes twisted rifling
A new crator is created, an empty mass I could never find
An outcome decided by years of formation
I would never know the history unwritten
I'd never know the pain unbidden
It would all play out in a world with no layout
Because I took everything outside and with the last I could muster
I turned it all into a simple squeeze.
Alexander J. Wolfe
Postscriptum
This is a simple creative outlet. An exploration of hidden thoughts and desires. Today is not the day, that day will never come. I will not allow it. I'm a victim of suicide and will never be the perpetrator. I understand the feelings and desires more than anyone should ever have to, so I urge you, please don't victimize anyone with this selfish desire, I am the product.
-
Author:
Alexander J. Wolfe (
Offline) - Published: March 27th, 2022 14:41
- Category: Sad
- Views: 15
Offline)
Comments2
I admire your courage and I like that you wrote at the end that you wouldn't commit suicide, that you are the product. Cuz I know what thats like too. It's sad. Great write!
Thank you! I wish that no-one would have to know what that's like, I hope that this writing might have some small effect to help people understand the topic in a different light. I wrote the end bit because I didn't want this piece to have a negative effect, and to give the reader a helpful perspective, one that has kept me alive through countless urges. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Wow, what profound words. they have such depth and detail. Beautiful yet so melancholy.
Thank you! I felt like I had a powerful perspective on the topic. I've struggled with these things all my life. My most formative experiences have been the suicides of people I loved. Today I struggle with the confusion of seperating the effects my medications have in contrast with my mental illness and influence of day to day life. The lines are so blurred that I can't read them in a manner of speaking. In this writing I simply put thoughts I had explored onto "paper". Thanks for reading and commenting!
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