Funny?

A Driver's Lot
It wasn't what he said

What he said was
Use all the doors
Let the passengers off the train first please
Move right down inside the car
This train is for Morden via the Bank

 

It was the subtext

 

He'd had a bad day
A bad week
A bad life

He sounded as though he was searching
For the nearest buffers to crash into
He sounded as though he had just
Wept his way through all of Chekhov's comedies
He was well over the brink of despair

 

I used only one of the doors
To leave the train

But made sure that I left
While there was still time

   

 Adjustment
He continually adjusts
100 metal chairs

Perhaps he plays an intricate game
With an infinitely cunning
Invisible opponent

Maybe he sends coded messages
By satellite picture
To his inscrutable masters

Could it be that the sound
Of metal scraping on concrete
Causes some perverse sexual arousal

Or
Most unlikely of all
Is he
Just trying to look busy

 

 Artists in Residence
Artists In Residence are

AIR
Funny Artists In Residence are

FAIR
Ugly Nasty Funny Artists In Residence are
UNFAIR
Anxious Political Artists In Residence are
A PAIR
Russian Artists In Residence are
RAIR
Mostly Underfed Constantly Hungry Russian Artists In Residence Eating Rhubarb are

MUCH RAIRER

  

A Fitting Present
Lady H:     Happy birthday Lord N
                   Pray be good enough to accept this small gift
                   As a token of my esteem

 

Lord N:     Thank you so much Lady H

                  Just what I've always wanted.
                  A glove and a spectacle

 

Airless Rodent
When Johann Strauss
Was Johann Strauss the Very Young
His father
Johann Strauss the Middle Aged
Bought his son
A balloon
In the shape of his favourite pet
Imagine the delight
As his continuous expellation of air
Caused the little creature to appear
Imagine the distress
When a rose thorn
Caused the little creature to disappear
With a hissing sound
And chaotic motion
Back to a shapeless mass of rubber

Years later the famous composer
Recalling the incident
Named his new operetta
Deflate A Mouse

 

A Poem Philosophical And Mathematical
Oh I do like to exist beside the seaside

                             I think therefore I am

                At least
                            

                             I think I am

                 I don't think
                           

                              Therefore I am not

       i is imaginary

 

Approbation
It is a little known fact that the French composer Gabriel Fauré, worked for a time as an Egyptian peasant.

His fellow workers were asked what they thought of him

First peasant:               Fauré's a jolly good fellah
Second peasant:           Fauré's a jolly good fellah

Third peasant:              Fauré's a jolly good fellah
Assorted peasants        And so say all of us

 

Ave Maria

                  Is better than

                                        No Maria

                                                       At all                            

 

Apples

Apples to the right of me

Apples to the left to me

Into the valley of...

 

No no

 

Not into the valley

Into the buckets

Into the three buckets to be precise

 

When the wind  grabbed my malus

By the trunk

And shook it

They descended in hundreds

Room for some genetic engineering here

So that

The apples ripen and fall in batches of 10

Once a week

Throughout the season

Not like this

I attack them with my wooden rake

And gather

 

But what to do with so many

Aye there's the rub

 

Raw apples

Baked apples

Boiled apples 

Dried apples 

Frozen apples

Fried apples

 

 Not to mention

 

Apple puree

Apple juice

Apple syrup

Apple jam

 

Then there.s

Apples

To juggle with

To throw at the cat

To shoot at pigeons

To play cricket football and tennis with

To make statues from

 

But probably my best idea

Which I think must win me

The next Turner Prize

Is to exhibit half a 

Big Apple 

With

Half a Small Apple

 

Title:

Granny Smith and Granddaughter?

 

One further idea

To hollow out an apple

Fill the resulting space with cotton wool

This creation I will call

Golden Delicious

  

Be Serious
God doesn't like jokes about Jesus
If we laugh he undoubtedly sesus
If we sing hymn a hymn
Then his smile will not dymn
If we giggle
He'll not try to plesus

  

Better Than Euros
I have thought of
A new currency
Fruit

There are some advantages e.g.
Money would grow on trees
And disadvantages

It could be messy
Getting the fruit from dispensing machines

A sample transaction might be

2 pound of spuds please
Right, that will be 4 apples
Sorry, I've only got a melon
That's OK, I can split that,
But you'll have to take the change
In apricots
 

Body Instruments
What a funny word
Mouth organ
No other instruments
Have parts of the body in their names
I suppose you could have
A hand piano
A chin violin
Fist drumsticks
An arm trombone
Or a lips trumpet

 

 Cheek To...
Holborn I'm in Holborn
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

 

Circular
Q:  What sweets are made from
Gelatin, sugar, flavouring, colouring
And
Pigs?

A:   Swine gums

 

Convert
If we

Should ever

Convert to  European currency
Will  Ezra Pound
Become
Ezra Euro

 

Damn Clever
In a few hours my 3 daughters and son
Will welcome a new arrival into the house
While waiting I rotate the radio dial
I get music
I get news
I get information
The information was that
20% of the worlds population is Chinese
1 in 5
That means 2 of the English soccer team
3 of the 17 cricketers touring Australia
Perhaps
1 blatsman
1 blowler
1 wicketkleeper

Quite a few of the cast of Coronation Street
Though they disguise it well

Then there's the cabinet

The Royal Family
So if I take say;
The Queen
Prince Philip
Prince Andrew
Prince Edward
Prince Charles
I wonder
Slightly slanty eyes
The first Asian King of England
I wonder

And of then of course there's
God;  Jesus;  The HG;  Joseph and Mary
(Or Could it be May Li )

 Oh......oh
This is my 5th child
Will my husband realize it's only statistics
Or
Will he go and burn down

The Chinese takeaway round the corner

 

Definition
Nymphomaniac:
A woman whose feelings about sex
Are the same as those of most men

 

Derry Bells
The sign

Outside

The cathedral says
'You park here at your own risk'
The sign

Outside

The entrance in a totally deserted street says
'No parking, door in constant use'
The sign

 Outside

The office in London Road says
'22 Bishops Road'
And

The bells of the cathedral play
Three Blind Mice

  

Disintegration
I never wear shoes in the house
And now it's spring
With my apple tree in full bloom
It's too warm for slippers
But
Not yet warm enough for bare feet

So I wear socks

A birthday present from daughter
Environmentally friendly
And definitely biodegradable

But I wish they didn't biodegrade so fast

The whole of my carpet is covered with
Little bits of sock
Every step I take
Every move I make
Another little bit drops off

Convenient in a way I suppose
Because
At the present rate of disintegration
By the time summer arrives
I shall be
In bare feet  again

  

DDIY
You hit the nail on the head
I wish that I could

Perhaps I use dodgy nails
I line up
Nail head
Hammer head
I aim
I strike
I miss - almost
Perhaps I use dodgy nails
They dodge my hammer blows - almost
Going in at strange angles
Or like divers coming up too quickly
They

         get

    the

       bends

  

Egyptian Christmas Cracker

 Question:                     Who was the heaviest Pharaoh?

 

Answer:                        TwoTon Khamun

 

Don't Talk To Me About Xmas
Don't talk to me about Xmas
I'm sick of it right up to here
I just wish it happened biennially
Instead of occurring each year

 

Don't talk to me about Xmas
I just don't like tinsel and holly
Maybe I'd rather stay home, read a book
Not sing or play games and be jolly

 

Don't talk to me about Xmas
It goes against good sense and reason
To go out to a party
And be all hale and hearty
This damp bleak and wintery season

 

Don't talk to me about Xmas
It's the time of the year that I fear
Someone gives you a present
That's not very pleasant
That somebody gave them last year

 

Don't talk to me about Xmas
Oh bugger it's just started snowing
Ho Prancer!  Ho Vixen!
Ho Donner and Blitzen!
Gee up there we'd better get going
  

Dressed
Started my ballroom dancing class again
And
There was this guy there
Dressed in…
Dressed in
A rugby shirt
Off-white shorts
And
Trainers

 

I wonder

 

Does he play rugby
And if he does
What does he wear

Could it be

Top hat
White tie
And
Tails
  

D.T.
When my feet didn't reach the ground
It started me wondering
The room was extremely spacious
No facility was missing
You could sit there quite comfortably for hours
Saying your mantra or
Knitting
But
Your feet wouldn't touch the ground
Unless you were big
Very big
And when I reached for the paper
I had to get into a tricky twisting asna
B.K.S Iyengar would be proud of

I realized who the place was designed for
And if I ever meet someone in a wheelchair
About 8 feet tall and very supple
I shall be able to direct them to a very suitable
Disabled toilet

 

Gone
Yesterday
In the House of Commons
During a power cut
The Shadow Home Secretary
Disappeared

  

Fairy Tale
When the glass slipper
Slid on to my dainty foot
It was ecstasy
I would show those sisters

Who never stopped scolding

And that oaf in the round flat hat
Who never stopped grinning

Not to mention those morons
Who keep bursting into irrelevant song

 

I was I admit a little bothered about the presents
First he sent me some

Meat sauce

Next came

Soft noodles
Followed by

Crispy noodles

Finally

Soy sauce in a lovely silver packet

 

Despite some initial misgivings

I graciously accepted these Royal gifts

And I don't care what people may say

About him

He is my Prince Chow Mein

 

Footwear
You can tell a lot about people from their shoes

The brown shoes dusted grey by the building site
The three storey shoes
Telling stories of someone tottering through an unbalanced life
And the loony lace-up boots
That take half a lifetime to put on
And the other half to take off
Then there's sandals with
And sandals without

Also DM's

Was Dr Martin I wonder
A misleadingly mild looking GP
Who would just as soon
Kick your teeth out
As send you to the dentist 

  

 Going Metric
Ah, the Donegal hostel
Said the white haired old lady
Hiding behind her years
Sure, and didn’t it used to be three doors along
But now it's about a kilogram up the road.

I gave the lady my thanks

Then left the shop having purchased
Half a kilometre of carrots

  

Foul
Why me ?
O breath of
Dying toads
Fermenting dung
Entrails in the tropic sun
Turkish farts
Ripe boxer shorts
German oxters
Vomit left in a broken freezer
A pig's arse on a bad day
A pig's arse on a good day
Hot silage
Cold silage
Cess pits
Cess pools
Cess rivers
Cess oceans
An unbandaged unwashed mummy

It makes
My hair curl
My toe nails turn inwards
My eye brows turn up
My nose turn down

 

I do hope you enjoyed your meal

Because
I'm hating the afters

  

Colour
There are several kinds of black
Various degrees of blackness
The addition of pigments
The subtraction of light
Then there is
The Ultimate Black:
The colour of the water in which I left
Two shirts and some washing powder for a couple of hours
Each time I
Rinsed and squeezed
Squeezed and rinsed
About half of the pre-cosmic darkness returned

After about 10 rinses
I realised I had the same problem as the frog
Who jumps half the remaining distance to the edge of the pond each time
I could certainly reach my objective of

Cool Clear Water (Keep a movin' Dan)

But it would take
An infinite number of rinses

 Health Remembered 
I was well when I came in

I came in for a certificate
For myopia

The others don't look well
Suit man has
Tapping foot syndrome.
As he reads his 'Telegraph'
He crushes mountains of
Luscious unresisting grapes

The Angry Foreign Gentleman
With his disease resistant tie
Is jet propelling germs across the room

There is ‘flu
On the wall
The plants are patiently awaiting
Their last rites
A woman searches for her name
In the obituary columns

The room gets hotter
I start to undress
Will we all soon
Be sitting in our underwear

I'm scared I will catch
What the others
Have come to be cured of

This is a surgery
For hunchbacks
That is what you have to be
To talk to the receptionist
If you stand upright
You talk to the wall

It is required
That the doctor sees me
Before issuing a certificate
(If he can't, do I issue him one ?)
I go in
He sees me

I leave
Narrowly avoiding an army
Of deadly viruses and
Bacteria
Who have just arrived

  

How Many Jokes
Q: How many religious ladies does it take to change a light bulb
A: Nun

Q: How many sergeant majors  does it take to change a light bulb
A: 1-2-3-4

Q: How many foreign legionnaires does it take to change a light bulb
A: I forget

Q: How many weaklings does it take to change a light bulb
A: That depends on how light the bulb is

Q: How many Irish lumberjacks does it take to change a light bulb
A: Tree
 

Heaven

Should I discover
That Paradise
Has no pianos
I shall probably go
Elsewhere

 

Hungry Poet
Goes  into a restaurant and orders
Some french fries
A chocolate milk shake
And a couple of rhyming cutlets

 

I Dreamed A Dream
I was lying on a psychiatrist's couch
Counting the cost
I certainly couldn't afford it
And to get treatment on the NHS
You not only have to believe you're Napoleon
You have to have screwed somebody called Josephine
And lost at Waterloo

 

It started in the Avebury Ring
I was lying on the grass
In the shadow of a massive sarsen
Near to the Mary and Michael lines
Which pass through here
On their way round the Earth
I felt tired and closed my eyes
I started to dream
But not of Neolithic men moving impossible blocks of sandstone around
Or ancient peoples having seen the beacon on Silbury Hill
Arriving for the creation ceremony
I dreamed
Of two poles holding up a net and volleyballs
Volleyballs being punched
Volleyballs being thrown
Volleyballs bouncing off picket fences
Volleyballs everywhere

I told this all to the man I was making wealthy
I had to know what it meant
I started to do my own analysis
(Silly after spending all that money)
 

Let's see

Balls - obvious really
My father showing me his sexual supremacy
Yes that's it
The poles, let's see...the poles
Yes, he had two penises to my one
And many many more balls
Obvious

 

The doctor coughed teutonically
Said Ja several times
Consulted several thick books
Then said

It is a most interesting case, nein?
You must takes zeez spherical tablets three times a day
Take no food containing gluten
Und most important

Stop playing so much volleyball

In  An Anti - Matter Universe
Would people play forwardgammon
And would the District line end at
Downminster

 

Joke  

Q: What do you call a Roman emperor who bounces up and down on a wooden plank
A: Julius Seesaw

 

 

Last Vegetarian in Paris
She said
Have you seen Last Tango in Paris
I said
What's good enough for Marlon
And went downstairs
To get the soya margarine

  

Longest Punch line
Knock knock

Who's there

Oh Wendy

Oh Wendy who

Oh Wendy saints go marching in
Oh Wendy saints go marching in
Oh Lord I want to be in that number
Wendy saints go marching in

 

In A Tub          

 I don't know why I was surprised

To see the shop

London is after all

A pretty cosmopolitan city

Still, looking out of the W7 window

Two stops before Finsbury Park

I found myself for a moment

Transported to the desert sands

Of Egypt or the Sudan

 

It was the name above the shop window

That first grabbed my attention

RUBAD  UBDUB

 

I began to wonder why

Mr (or possibly Sheik) Ubdub

Should have come from Syria or maybe Iran

In order to sell toys to the inhabitants of Finsbury Park

 

I wondered why

There were no dolls in Middle Eastern dress

No toy camels

Or Lego pyramids

 

I ceased to wonder when

I looked at the name again

And noticed that there was no gap

Between

The first D

And

The second U

  

It's Amazing WhatI You Find On Buses
It's amazing if you really look around

I’ve found
A pair of Paisley knickers
A small TV that flickers
And hot chestnuts
454 grams just 1 pound

                                        A papier- mache pullet
                                        A hallmarked silver bullet
                                        And a quiet werewolf
                                         Making not a sound

A bunch of ripe bananas
A pair of mating llamas
And some sheep turds
That were long and flat and round

                                        A single crimson spat
                                        A drunken vampire bat
                                        And a sailor who was cold
                                        And wet and drowned

A book of ancient verse
A chocolate covered purse
And a rabbi
Floating just above the ground

                                       A record of the blues
                                       A pair of Churchill's shoes
                                       Split infinitives
                                       On which the great man frowned

 

But soon I won't be working on the buses
'Cause I collected everything I saw
And so
Instead of working daily on the buses
I shall open up a very general store

 

 Mahweh    (Ma be sung to the tune of ‘My Way’)
I said, you go by camel
And take the children 'cross the mountains
I said, best take some bread
And water too there are no fountains
You went by the Red Sea
Took Matzos crisp made by Rakusen's
In spite of all I said
You did it Yahweh

 

I said go to Japan
The Japanese all love the Hebrews
I told you of my plan
Commandments ten
Would bring the good news
You went to Palestine
Removed the "nots" from all my tablets
Oh yes my Kosher friend
You did it Yahweh

 

And now your end is near
I don't like self - fulfilling prophets
Look what I did to Lot
And Jonah too
He now is whale poo
Your fate I'll tell you now
You will be flattened
On the highway
A lump of lead
Will strike you dead
I'll kill you
Mahweh

 

 Long Train
The announcer at Euston On the Victoria Line train

Said

This train has been extended to Walthamstow

  

Meaning
A parody a parody
Life is but a parody
And things don't get much better
When you're dead

  

My Expectations
Have been lowered
My ambition now is
To own
A Steinway piano
Cover
  

Neigh

They say

Some people grow to look like their pets

It may be true for dogs

And for cats

But I've never met anyone

With big whiskers

Who sleeps in front of the fire all day

And chases mice all night

 

But she certainly was

A horse lady

It wasn't just

The long face

The flared nostrils

Or even

The polo player on her T-shirt

 

When in the park

I got out my sandwiches to eat

She got out

A bag of oats

  

Never Go Back
You know the saying
Once a thief ………
Well it doesn't just apply to thieves
I mean I've been here before
And I should know

 

Unfair really
Bloody reincarnation

Alright for some

Bodicea came back as Alfred
- She never could cook -
Then King John
And Henrys 2 4 6 and 8
Must've known a bit about
Ruling by then

And take musicians
It's not surprising
That Stravinsky was so good
He'd been
Purcell Bach and Beethoven in previous lives

 

My luck to be a martyr
I've been killed
For every possible reason
In every possible way
The stake when I was Joan
The sword when I was Beckett
 

I've been
Stretched, hung, beheaded....
Well I've had enough
It doesn't pay to be a martyr

Hey you!
Yes  you wearing that silly mask

Undo my hands
And take off this silly blindfold
Or I shall.……….."

  

Not On My Knee
The other day I saw a man playing a dead instrument

Definition
A dead instrument is:
A piano without keys
A violin that has come into contact with a chain saw
A trumpet left in the path of stampeding elephants

Or

A brand new banjo

 

 Obituary For A Dead Philosopher
I thought
Therefore
I was
 

 Nightmare At Brent Park
I felt like the first man to make one
Must have felt
He was no doubt quite happy sleeping on a moss covered cave floor
Unfortunately
His wife wasn't
She complained about small stones in the back
And things
That were not always his hands
Crawling over her in the night

It's not bed he said
She said
If that's not bed, what I want is bed
She said
My brother made one, he'll give you the simple instructions

 

So the poor bastard finds himself sitting in front of a tree
With a stone tablet on which the only words he understands are
"Easy To Follow"

 

He eventually succeeds

But it takes up most of the forest
And there were mistakes by the dozen
These were piled up in front of the cave
There were no words then to describe them
But in the distant future they would be given names like
Wheelbarrow
CD rack
Model of St Paul's cathedral
 

None of these proved useful for sleeping on

 

In my nightmare
I am in a giant warehouse
With box-like compartments
Stretching way beyond the clouds
Some contain essential parts of my bed
Like springs to put in the mattress
A Useful Book on
Spinning dyeing and growing cotton
Suggestions for patterns you might print on your duvet cover
After you've made it

 

At least I didn't have to cut down any trees
And I know the instructions would be clearer
In the original Swedish

It only took me 7 hours to assemble
But next time I want a new bed
I'll just go and find me some nice soft moss

 

 Not The WWF
I feel honoured that I'm the first to think of it
As with all great ideas
So simple

An almost infinite source
Of energy
Which produces almost no pollution
Uses up no precious resources

Basically, bio-degradable materials
Are converted directly into heat
And it has the added advantage
Of being very enjoyable

 

 I'm talking of course about
Wanking

There are it is true
Certain disadvantages

It has been calculated for example
That to warm a whole house for 24 hours
(A medium size semi in Bolton say)
It would require 1000 builders
With copies of an appropriate booster magazine
Or supply of blue videos
Assuming they come 10 times a night

The research continues

As with the coconut
Nothing is wasted
The white gooey end product
May used for wall papering
Or
To make children

I have had one major setback
In my efforts
I had planned to start a society, a group
To promote Wankergy
And as I have many supporters at Westminster

We would be called the
Westminster Wanking Fraternity
Lapel badges were made

But we were forbidden to use the name
And the badges had to be destroyed
After threats of legal action
By some bunch of bird lovers
 

 What They Really Said  

L Nelson: Kiss me harder

J Caesar: 'ate you Brutus

H Amlet: Alas poor Yorick I knew him......felatio

N Bonaparte: Not too tight Josephine ? 

G of Hosts: That's your lot

E the Confessor: It was me guv

O Beron: I know a bank where you can have a wilde thyme

O Beron: Who are you calling a fairy

 

Number 24
Never venture through the door
The door of number 24
Footsteps echo on the stair
Echo when there's no-one there
Demons ghosts and goblins rave
Whispers from beyond the grave
Beasties wi' strange appetites
Munch their hideous feasts a'nights
Postman policeman or attorney
Best continue on your journey
Those who enter through this door
Will never leave again that's sure
So if you'd remain alive
Better go to 25

 

 Sinful Simon
Sinful Simon ate a pieman
And he tasted rare
Tasted rare and succulent
Like gravy mixed with peppermint
Like mutton mixed with cream
Oh the flavour he could savour
Oh the rare bouquet
Crunchy as the pie of shepherds
Savoury as sausage roll
Quite the best thing he had tasted
And it quenched his thirst
But next time he ate a pieman
He'd undress him first

 

Oh God!
If there is a God
He can't believe in religion
I mean
We would be to him
In intelligence
And possibly in height
Like we are to the ants
I mean
It says in the Bible
God created us in his image
It says nothing about size

 

Say you are God
And every Sunday
These ants get together in
Magnificent but ant-sized buildings
Repeating the words you've heard hundreds of thousands of times before
And in addition sing boring songs
Many of which end in plagal cadences
You
Unaided by GTS training
Have made
Out of nothing
Thousands of galaxies
Millions of planets
Billions of stars

Are you interested in these ants ?

Added to which

You have 6 arms
And only speak Hindi

  

Olefaction Country
Two chimneys stand Tudor tall against the dimming sky
Above my caravan
Nearby is a small shed
Which looks as though it has been built
By a small clumsy animal
With six legs
And little knowledge of the finer points of carpentry
Something inside
Emits a disgusting smell
But the sun has addled my mind
It is too hot to find out
Which animal is the cause of this nasally challenging aroma
And maybe the animal
Goat, peacock, llama,
Has passed away in the heat
I will never know but
NIMBY
Ugh!

  

 Poser
Q: What do you call a watch that doesn't work
A: Unemployed if it's claiming benefit

  

Potty
A marathon runner named Jason
Though tired continued to race on
He ran off to Crete
Where he got athletes fete
Which he bathed in a Minoan bason

One Of These Days

I'm going to get rid of

My old mixer

That I keep under the desk

It didn't like it

When I connected the input socket

To the mains

The insides melted

 

The problem is

That

It looks perfectly OK from the outside

I will definitely throw it out

 

And

I must clear out that cupboard in the computer room

There's loads of stuff there I'll never use

 

For Example:

 

 25 copies of something called

"Knowledge"

and

Communist literature which belonged to my dad and dates from the Second World War

Some books by Lenin and Stalin

Which I don't think sell very well at present

 

Then

There's the outfit I rigged up

Consisting of a basket attached to a table leg

It may sound odd

But at the time

I was playing

Long John Silver

 

You never know

I might get asked to play

Long John Silver

Again

 

Yes

But

 I will definitely clear-out the cupboard

One of these days

 

Then there's the extension

Some of that stuff has to go

For a start

The rowing machine

I never row

Or water or on land

 

And Anna's bike

I suppose she may take it with her

If and when

She gets her own flat

All the PA gear

Can go to my next residency

Or  upstairs under the pool table

When I make room

By chucking out the old Amstrad computer

But

That computer could be

Worth something

In about 20 years

 

So

I have decided

All the stuff I don't need

All this stuff I don't want

All this stuff I should have got rid of a long time ago

Will Go

One of these days

 

One Of Our Bears Is Missing
Once upon a time
In the forest
A mail shot was delivered to
Ms Goldilocks Riding Hood
She was just about to throw it away
When she noticed that it was from the Genealogical Society
This set her thinking about who her ancestors were
She knew about her granny who was eaten by a wolf
But that was long ago before