stage lights

Bright lights surround me, 

Highlighting everything that I did not want to show

Taking away any previous emptiness that the room once held

They almost feel like some sort of barricade, 

As though they are forcing me in,

Much like a jail would

The strange sense of being held captive fills my lungs

Making it hard to breathe

The vast depth of the room is completely forgotten,

And I can only imagine that the walls are closing in.

It’s stuffy in here and I have discovered how unforgiving the atmosphere is.

A river flows in my head: one that is serene and graceful,

But it does not perish the anxiety that has slowly crept up on me

I wish I could be anywhere else but here.

My imagination seems to be the only thing I'm certain of

I knew this was coming.

It always does.

I know there is no turning back

I’m acutely aware of that,

Yet I was the one to put myself in this position

I’m uncertain of why, but at the same time I know exactly why

Because i’m continuously trying to prove something that does not exist

I suppose I thought that something would have changed.

It hasn’t.

It never will.

And I know that

Yet I still destroy what little confidence I have left

Over and over.

Though it will be over soon

And I will be free from agony once more

Temporarily, at least

While the moment lasts it's liberating 

It makes me despise myself

How could something so humiliating be so freeing at the same time?

In an unexplainable way it is.

I feel as though I am a bird learning to fly for the first time,

And even though my parents raised me so well my wings aren’t strong enough

I am like a child learning to ride a bike

The only difference is that I still have training wheels

I’m quickly reminded of how unsuccessful I am.

Almost there, but not quite enough.

My past has been repetitive

Now is no exception

It is possible that the cycle will break,

But I’m no optimist.

Through the bad and good one things remains the same

That I will not break.

I can’t.

The extent of my purpose is my use as a foundation for others

If I break so will they,

One broken person is far more than enough.

I know who I am, who I’m supposed to be

And the unmistakable difference between the two

If I could change I would

Being here only reminds me of what I'm not

The inferiority that lies dormant erupts once again

The sensation burns passionately through my veins

Unfathomable anger is the exact opposite of what I'm feeling.

Perhaps it’s disappointment,

Perhaps its self-pity,

Maybe even jealousy,

No matter what it is, I will mask it

Pretend, or lie to myself if it becomes so necessary

The lights are dimming, and the curtains close.

Oh well.

Maybe next time.