Uncle Arthur and the Snail.

Our Uncle Arthur had an unusual pet, which he fed on meat pies and brown ale
The creature grew to a gargantuan size and we named him Samson the snail.
Now Arthur found Samson one stormy night by the side of the kerb on our street.
The snail came from Paris and arrived on our shores, when he learned what the French like to eat.

Old Samson wanted his name up in lights and he wished to be the star of the show.
He soon realised he’d be on the menu and his stage name would be “L’Escargot.”
He made his escape as quick as a flash and for Old blighty he set a course.
He managed to get a free ride to Calais when he mentioned French food to a horse!

He then stowed away on a ferry all night whilst crossing the channel to Dover.
The waves were so high and seas were so rough he was glad when the sailing was over.

He clambered aboard a HGV truck and made his way to the North West.
He jumped off his ride in Bury, because he’d been told that this place was the best.

He got on quite well with the locals when Arthur took him for a Jar.
Who said it was quite entertaining a snail speaking French in the bar.
With all of the ale Sampson shifted and his penchant for black pudding and pies.
He soon put on weight and expanded to reach an incredible size.

To Arthur Old Sampson was special, you see, they’d formed an unbreakable bond.
And they learned to converse like Marcel Marceau coz they both spoke in different tongues.
Samson would often take off his shell and act like he was a slug.
And to all of those gathered in’t Ferret and Whippet, they became the talk of the pub.

Grown men would go home to their loved ones after they’d had a few ales.
And say things like “ You'll never believe this love, I’ve been having a pint with a snail !”
Those wives who’d been married a long time, just let it go over their head.
And say things like “Of course you did dearest, now isn’t it time for your bed?”

One lady got a bit awkward, She needed some respite and space
She called the mental health hospital, and managed to get hubby a place.
“ It’s true,”hubby said to the doctor, “Come with me and you will see”
In the bar in the Whippet and Ferret, a fifteen stone snail from Paree. (Paris.)

Some folk thought the snail was from Yorkshire, and the accent was just a big act
Because he drinks all the ale people buy him, but he’d not think of buying one back!

They asked Arthur about his companion, and why bring a mollusc tut pub?
He said “ Well it keeps the wife happy, and…… well here’s the rub.”
“Before I found Sampson.” He continued.” Before that twisting of fate.”
Her indoors would nag me every evening when I got back home a bit late.

The misses, she gets on with Sampson and swoons at the way that he talks
So we can be late home any old night, coz she does n’t know how fast he can walk!”