Miss Strang

                            

 

I can’t believe big Joe died incontinent.

Jesus, he didn’t die incontinent. He died intestate.

No, there was nothing wrong with his intestines.

Do you know what amazes me about you?

What.

How the hell you always came top of the class.

I was bright, that’s why.

More like that, Miss Strang just felt sorry for you.

She sure as hell didn’t feel sorry for you.

Don’t even mention that woman to me.

Miss Strang was a wonderful woman.

She ruined my life.

What, just because she turned out to be a lesbian.

Yes, I was going to lose my virginity with her.

She was ten years your senior. I mean, everyone else knew she was a lesbian.

That was such a traumatic time in my life finding that out. Do you know I had to fantasize when I lost my virginity?

Most people are just happy to lose their cherry. Anyway, how was it so traumatic.

I was in bed with slack Alice.

Ah, many a lad lost their cherry to slack Alice. Why was it so traumatic for you.

Her glass eye fell out, and I swallowed it.

You mean she was on top.

Yes, I was dreaming she was Miss Strang.

Oh my god, what the hell happened.

I started choking, that’s what happened. Then I pushed her onto the floor, knocking her unconscious.

I always wondered why she hated you.

She didn’t actually hate me for that.

You didn’t molest her sleeping, I hope.

Worse than that. I thought she was having a heart attack, and for some reason, I thought you punched people on the chest when that happened.

You obviously missed the boy scouts first aid exam. Tell me you never punched her on the chest.

No, she jumped up, and I punched her in the eye.

 

                               Part 2

Well, the right honourable Alice Bradley MP and the beautiful Miss Strang will be hosting the class reunion this Saturday. I have to inform you now,.you are definitely not invited.

Did you say slack Alice was an MP?

I do wish you would come out of the sewer now and again. She’s been a member of parliament for the last seven years.

Glad I’m not going then.

You would love to be there just to ruin it for everybody else.

Not at all. I’m going to London for a romantic weekend.

Some other sad woman fall for your charms then.

Yes, your ex-wife.

What, you’re taking my wife to London.

Ex-wife, and yes.

Are you in separate rooms?

I love your innocence.

What would my wife be doing with you?

We’re doing role play.

Is this another one of your sick fantasies. What the hell’s role play.

Well, your ex will be sitting at the bar. I’ll sit beside her and chat her up.

You’re going to seduce my Mary.

Depends on how well my chat up line goes. But I’ve got a feeling I might be in there.

You are one sick man. This is why you are not invited to the school reunion. I will certainly be mentioning this to Gladys and Alice.

Say that again.

I’ll be mentioning this to Gladys and Alice.

Miss Strang’s name is Gladys

Yes, is that a problem.

Her initials are G>S.

Well done, you did pick up something in school.

Yes, G>S, don’t you see.

See what.

God send.

You’ve suddenly found religion.

No stupid. Me and Gladys are meant to be together.

Have you finally lost the plot?

Part 3

 

Have you finally lost the plot?

Can’t you see it?

See what.

G>S. God sent Gladys to me.

You’re trying to ruin my reunion.

No, it’s written in stone.

The only thing written in stone is your head.

You’ll need to meet your ex, I’ll go to the reunion.

I’m not meeting my ex, she’s a basket case. Which I should have known since you introduced her to me.

Do you think I should read a book, try to be more sophisticated?

There isn’t a book in the world that could do that.

Where do you get off being so high and mighty?

I went to school.

I went to school as well.

Yeah, but I actually stayed the day.

What if I turned up dressed as a Vicar.

Just go bang my wife, you’ll feel better.

No, Gladys has got to see I’m a changed man.

Listen, I wasn’t going to tell you. But there’s a reason why Gladys and Alice are coming together.

I know, God sent them both to me. Though, Alice might be some sort of punishment.

They’re married.

My Gladys is married, and some idiot married Alice.

To each other.

What do you mean, to each other? Is that allowed?

This is why you can’t go to the reunion. You’re a dinosaur. Plus, Gladys mentioned they’re going to adopt a child.

 

I understand it all now. God sent me to get them pregnant.

I would pay to see that happen.

What if I gave Alice back her glass eye.

My God, you would send the woman insane.

Maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen, so Gladys and I can be together.

Listen, I might as well tell you now. Gladys and Alice have taken a restraining order out on you. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. But you had to know.

Is that not what they do to nutcases.

Wow, you’ve finally got it.

Right then, just for that, I’m not going. I’ll go to London instead.

 

                                 Part 4 The Reunion.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, there seems to be a slight delay with our special guests tonight.

Hope to hell that idiot has gone to London.

Whilst we’re waiting. Has anyone in the class trained as a Vicar.

Oh God, I’ve got a bad feeling here.

Ladies and gentlemen, has anyone lost a glass eye.

OMG, what has the idiot done? This is not going to end well.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have to inform you that Miss Strang and the right honourable Miss Bradley MP have been kidnapped.

Oh man, I’m getting the hell out of here.

 

News Flash.

The Police have found the right honourable MP Miss Alice Bradley wandering along the road in a state of shock. A member of the public found her in a traumatized state, muttering to herself. He tried to put it in my eye.

Police have established the assailant as an ex-pupil.

Miss Bradley’s wife, who is still missing, was last seen in a Rolls-Royce with a vicar.

Witnesses say the car had a sign on the back window.

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