Grey ❤ Gardens

Today I laid in the forest by the railway tracks listening to Rhubarb. Praying to the sky above, I fell into a dream world, a dreamscape of rainbows filled with hope and bliss and sunbeams. The earth around my fingertips was soft and gentle, like maroon and golden feathers. Time was physical. It was almost as if everything in my life had lead up to this surreal moment, almost as if everything stood still and I was paralysed from the descent into the tapestry of this bewildering Arcadia. Just me, alone with my camera and the echoing birdsongs. Something deep like a wistful longing for youth. My eyes were closed and I never wanted to open them again, never wanted to speak about the things I cannot dare to speak about, the rain and the moonlight. 

I heard your voice calling for me like a ship at night in a thousand oceans, holding on for one last moment of pleasure. Black roses and tranquil sun showers. I thought my prayers were ghosts, speechless moments captured in the river of my heart's labyrinth. I overflowed like silk and my brains spilled on the page. Haunted in dark dreams. I saw life without you, so dreamy and blue, but I was always afraid of losing you, living without you. The flowers have started to bloom in this terrible garden. I'm growing weaker, drinking my tears like forgettable oceans. When the blood rushes and the pain lingers, I'm breathing slower. More proud when I sleep, sowing and reaping as I dream. I believed everything would fall into place, but I never could have seen how the stars lied and said tomorrow would be silver. I came so hard and lost myself in the romance of your poems. I thought about you holding me and dreamed of a perfect life, turning the endless faucet, trying to find a piece of solace and hoping. I look for your face in the crowd. It's been the longest time since I've seen you, smiling and laughing like it was summer. It's been the longest time since you last came around, and I remember the days when I couldn't imagine living without you. Child of Venus, love abandoned us, and now we're left with pity in our souls. We sew garlands and tend to pink sunsets and blue violets for the hurt ones. Ink and mist and pearls and belladonna. A beacon of life snuffed out. I put the gun in my mouth, pills in my mouth. I sing to the past like church bells. I go out and forget who I am, but he knows me by name and asks about the diamond days. I'm thinking about the milk left over in a bowl of cereal and the music of stars. Small delights and huge feasts. A cruel memory. I think of you and it's like a pebble, a light flickering against the window.