Idk

Idk where to start…

The surprise.

The love.

The hurt.

I didn’t plan for this.

I didn’t look for it.

I never knew that I wanted it.

But I know now.

The way way she laughs.

Smiles.

Licks the right side of her top lip while she eats.

Taps her finger on a blank phone screen when she’s anxious.

I pay attention to nothing else.

I cross highways And look left and right.

Not for cars

But to see her crossing my mind.

No matter what hurt

What pain

What uncertainty comes…

My mind is always on her.

Just friends at first.

I didn’t want this.

Just gym and smoothies in the morning.

Some company.

But she stuck to me

Like jeans that are too tight.

Like my eyes to stars

When the lights go out.

I dream about her.

The good. The bad. The ugly.

But no matter the dream

I want her to be in them.

I close my eyes when she’s not around

So I can see her again.

And hold her tight whenever I can.

But like a rose, the thorns bite.

I wish she could see the way I see her.

I wish she believes when I say it’s only her.

Always has been her.

Always will be.

I give her my last and say I’ll be fine

When I know I won’t be.

When I know I’ll go hungry.

When I know I’ll need water.

But for her it’s a small price to pay.

But are my payments enough?

Am I enough?

Why haven’t I been enough?

What’s the hold up?

What am I doing wrong?

What must I do?

To show her how I feel about her.

Words aren’t enough.

Actions go unnoticed.

The hugs and kisses are pushed away.

The cheesy messages get overlooked.

Is it me?

Is it her?

Is it someone else?

Something else?

I’d crawl the earth on my knees just to be with her.

But does she want me to?