The Service Engineer

I want a divorce

You just can’t say you want a divorce, you need to create an argument

for that, my love. It’s like in Monty Python, so you create the argument, and I’ll retort.

You were screwing that slapper Tracy last night, that makes you a cheating bastard. Argument complete.

In a way, that is true, but I was actually cheating on her with you. Let me explain

It was you lying there in your fishnets and my favourite maids' outfit.

It was you who said, rub the cream over my breasts and lick till Christmas.

So actually, in a way, It’s Tracy who should be asking for a divorce.

Well, I would just like to say, that is the greatest argument man has ever invented, so good, my lawyer is bound to side with you, though she is female, so maybe not.

Darling, you need to be asking yourself the question, why does my husband need to sleep with other women.

That is a question I ask myself every night, and every night I come up with the same answer, you’re a dirty bastard.

You don’t understand, I’m longing for you, my heart beats only for you

at times.

God, you’re full of it, well actually that’s a lie, you’re empty by the time you get to me.

What it is, darling, is a communication problem, let me take you upstairs, and I’ll talk dirty to you.

Do you know, I would love to go upstairs, but unfortunately you now live outside with your clothes?

What, not the good suits

Yes, good suits

Record collection

Bin, blue

Wine collection

Didn’t you pass all the happy people in the street

Not the tropical fish

They’re in the car

I never saw the car

That’s because it’s in the river

Have you gone nuts

This is the new me darling, relentless, fearless

I don’t want the new you

Tough, now if you don’t mind I've got an engineer coming at eleven

What’s he doing

He's a service engineer, sure you can figure it out.

Argument complete I believe.