Realization

I had a scary realization last night. I’m no longer scared to kill myself.

Some may say that’s easy to do. Not for me. This whole time I’ve been terrified to die. Terrified to do it myself. But I had the thought last night that I could easily take a blade to my wrists. A barrel to my throat.

People ask “is it really that bad right now?”

All I have to say is I don’t know. It’s all a foggy mess. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live anymore. I want this pain to go away. This isn’t your normal depression. This is hating every fiber in your body that you overcame your fear of death. That’s how badly you want to die. That’s my depression. That’s my realization.