Pain, Pain…

I can't keep living a lie, 
I owe you the truth, 
And the truth is I am so terrified,
Terrified of they're not being a future between us anymore, but I need there to be one. 
Cause I need you in my life and I'm not ready to let you go, 
I'm not ready to forget about all the memories that we've made and we'll make, 
I'm not ready to forget about you nor am I strong enough to just erase you from my mind and heart. 
Yeah I know I'm the one who has on occasion said I don't want to talk to you or be with you anymore.

That it would be easier to just go our separate ways, 
But I said that because I didn't want to admit that  I still need and want you in my life and that I love you, 
The fucks sakes, how I fucking hate that I love you so damn much... 
I desirably hate that I wake up and I want to be with you, 
Oh how I hate the yearningness that when to go to bed I wish that I was going to bed next to you! 
I don't like the way that I feel when I think about you, 
Cause all I feel is pain, 
All that I have is inconsolable pain inside of my fucking chest when it comes to thinking about you, 
But it should be known that the pain I feel and have for you is comprised of both pleasure and anguish, 
For some time now this conflicting pain seems to be all that I've ever felt, 
But somewhere in heart torn asunder, I know I didn't always feel this way about you or about us. 

What I think about love that I feel for you, it hurts me more than you'll ever know or even realize, 
Because I emulate so much love unto you, but you seem to not even acknowledge that I do as such, 
And I ask myself why do I feel as such for you, 
In all honesty I can't find the answers or the reasons not to continue loving you the way that I do. 

Nor do I know why I can't let go of you, 
I mean you were the one who sought me out and brought me back from the brink of stepping over the razor's edge, 
Yet you were also quick to forsakenly betray me and cast me out into the bitter coldness back into the icy clutches of my own demise, 
Only for you to do a contentious altruistic reversal and invite me back in from the frigid void of rejection and abandonment, 
I've begun to anxiously wonder whether you were either going to be the death of me, 
Or my lifelong torturous saving grace...

Regrettably I've found myself easily relapsing and falling back into what I thought love was, 
Though I kept telling myself and so many others that I had left you or was going to leave you, 
But those were just empty words and half-hearted intentions, 

Cause in reality, I'd be subconsciously jonesing for you, 
And I never really kick the habit, which was you.
I mean it was strange how difficult that seem to move on, 
Not because I couldn't or wouldn't exactly per se, 
It's mostly in part that I was panic-stricken that no one would ever love me in the way that I deserved to be, 
Admittedly, that in itself is a lie, 
A lie I often would tell myself in order to avoid facing the truth;
The cold harsh truth that the way that you love me isn't the way that anybody should be loved by another...  

As time marched on I unknowingly built walls but not so as to keep others out, 
But rather to self-contain the pretenses that I was willfully trapped in a failing troubled toxic relationship, 
That wasn't worthwhile for me nor to you to continue to be in. 
I wanted to be close to you, so as to make wholehearted good memories with you, 
But all I wound up doing which is destroying all the good memories that we had made, 
While the memories of regret, sorrow, anguish, hopelessness, dejection and loneliness remained.
Suddenly so much time had passed by in what seemed like a blink of an eye, 
When I finally realized that the reassurances that I was telling myself we're just lies, 
But it seemed as though it was too late to make make my exit or get help from anyone, 
I wholeheartedly believed that I was unredeemable of the deceitful misguided falsehoods I told myself, 
Also, I realized that by letting this relationship continue I was hurting myself, 
And because, those walls that I built up were so high, so thick, and so wide I had convinced myself that I was fine with being a prisoner of my own making, 
Yet again I was lying to myself, and had been for the longest of time, 
I knew that I could tear these walls down if I wanted to, because I was I who built them,
So I began gradually deconstructing the walls that I had built brick-by-brick, 
While simultaneously starting building my the place I would call home as well as the mausoleum to which I would lay the memory of you to rest, 
All from the ruins of my former prison…

Even with as much love as I feel for you,
There is still a resounding pain that I feel for you,
It is in this moment that I become overwhelmingly depressed, 
And I know that you aren't capable of loving me for who I truly am, 
Nor are you capable of reciprocating the type of love that should be requited.

'Cause there's no way in hell that you love me,
Me, this brokenly fucked-up, damaged beyond all recognition, accursed soul, marred and scarred mess of a man!?
I mean why would you ever love someone who looks like me,
 Acts like a fool, talks so harshly and behaves so offputtingly 
And treats you the way that I treat you!?
Why would you give your whole heart to me;
Oh yeah it's because in your youth your heart was torn asunder,
By those whom you trusted your heart with.
And because of them, whomever you love or befriend,
You believe them to be the reincarnation of those who hurt you in the past.
But that is a lie you tell yourself,
 So as to keep yourself safe from ever letting anybody get too close.

But even now I foolishly have his notion that perhaps we're supposed to be together, 
Whether it is because of fate, destiny, or a curse placed on both of us or the will of God, 
To which neither of us will ever be privy to knowing why were supposed to stay together, 
Heck maybe it's because some unforeseen force knows how crazily stubborn and tenaciously resilient I am,
So much in fact that I’d be well enough to continue to stand by your side,
Just to try and demonstrate that true love does exist in this wretchedly fucked-up world of ours.

But who really knows for sure,
 I mean, I could just be talking out of my ass,
Or it could be that I just miss your emotional abusiveness,
So damn much that I'm willing to yet once more endure 
another verbal tongue lashing from you…

For fucks sake what is wrong with me!? 
Why in the hell am I so desperately jonesing for another hit 
from your noxious personality!?
Is it so that I can just feel something other than this emptiness loneliness and nothingness that seems to be plaguing me every waking hour,
or is it because I don't have or no what wholesome love and positive affirmation feels like,
Therefore, I idiotically just keep going back to get my fix from the thing that is killing me even more so, than two bouts of cancer, two decades of war, and father time catching up with me in my aging years –
YOU, MY BELOVED LOATHSOME SUCCUBUS….