6/27/'22

    I can't shake this feeling of betrayal. Yet at the same time I wonder, if it was I who betrayed myself. I chose to be naive again and and I trusted not so blindly. I knew what I was in store for and even after I was proven right again and again I still held on. Why?

   I know that the only future I have with Brian is as his caretaker. He will never love me. His heart belongs to another; because he cannot have her he chooses to fill the void with countless others. He cares not of the consequences this creates for him or those around him. In that aspect he is selfish. I can't help but feel guilty. 

   I always said that my child(ren) will never have to feel that horrendous feeling of never being good enough. Yet I chose to create a family with a man who makes me feel that way every day.

     I don't know why I thought things would finally be different. My lack of self acceptance is like sticky paper to those who fly around looking for someone to make their life seem better than it is. 

      I will always love this baby inside of me. However I must come to the realization that I will never be loved the way I have loved him and countless others. The love of their child is the only love a mother will ever need. Yet I still dream about the kind of love that binds two souls together for all of time.

      I want to grow old with someone who only sees the young girl they first met. I want to wear a white dress and dance under the stars. I want to hold his hand, as we remember who we are. I want to be loved in a way he never will. In a way he never did. He can't. I need to move on. So today, I say goodbye. 

        I say goodbye to the one thing I've ever wanted. I say goodbye to the one person who taught me fairy tales could be real. Today I say goodbye to me. I can't be the same naive, hopeful girl I used to be. I need to grow up and tuck my heart away. 

        My heart can only belong to my child. Maybe one day they can find the love I never could. Lord knows how hard I tried. I just didn't try hard enough. I didn't let myself become enough. It hurts too much and it's so easy giving up. 

         To my baby growing inside of me, don't give up. You are enough. Prove that the love I once believed in is real. Find someone to grow old with. Then I will know what I did was right. That I wasn't naive but overlooked. Love and be loved, like I never could. 

 

Yours innocently, 🖤 BirddieJane