What is wrong with me?
This life is based in the grey
I'm afraid it's not black and white,
There's many tones of darkness
And different shades of light,
Simplicity doesn't belong
This is an establishment of the complex,
You may read these lines
But you may not understand the subtext,
You might follow the meaning of each word
But not comprehend what lies between,
The difference in taking in
The vision of what can't be seen,
Take my past for instance
It's a wealth of contradictory stings,
I am not a wretched man
But I have done wretched things,
I am not an evil individual
But my sins are more than few,
I've been a purveyor of dark thoughts
Some may involve you,
In the past I have loved, I have hated,
I have gifted and I have hurt,
I have changed over time
But I'm still the same man, same shirt,
Old clothes, new clothes
New age, mindset upgrade,
Two years on, change is in the radical
Even location trade,
Sleep still evades me
Mind started swirling,
Remembering little things as my mind's
Screws are twirling,
The recommendation of one
Spoken word poet,
I still listen to the teachings
Learning I reap it, I sew it,
His battles still help me
They get me through my own,
This poem goes out to a few people
But to them it'll never be shown,
Past figures that flit through my mind
On the odd occasion,
This particular writing in regards to those
Of a feminine persuasion,
Women in my past
To which there's a story and old feelings,
Mostly wound up one dimensional
No breaking through glass ceilings,
But still from each one I carry little pearls
And things I am glad for,
Little habits or bits of advice
Recommendations of TV, Music and more,
I can be a hopeless romantic
So it's not too surprising I've logged souvenirs,
It's funny as this is a writing aimed at the cause of much heartbreak, yet this is a toast of cheers,
The feelings I've had for these ladies over the years I've certainly found doesn't define me,
However I sporadically look back in the memory bank and it's a surprise I see,
Given time I have been able to highlight
Only the positives in treatment I received,
Pretty much placing all blame on myself
For which I feel aggrieved,
But this isn't one of these pieces
This won't be a past dissection,
I want to focus on the future
Move ahead in a forward direction,
I won't become a victim
To my past mistakes,
I will refresh my approach
Cut out all the time wasters and fakes,
Time to stop overthinking
But that's my writings muse,
Maybe I need to put down the pen
I've got nothing left to lose,
I need to take better steps
For nobody but for myself,
But maybe being alone
Isn't what's best for my mental health,
I need to start letting go
Of all of the baggage that is restricting me,
I need to look beyond,
But not do so naively,
I found myself embedded in a situation
That historically ends badly,
But did that mean I shouldn't take the risk
Just in case it ended sadly,
Or should I have finally pulled the trigger
And give it a shot,
Will I be able to get through it all
If a happy ending it's not,
Will my mind settle down
And allow me to act normal,
Am I capable of maintaining composure
With something so informal,
Will my brain leave the overdrive setting
And stop being so obsessive,
Creating my own fantasy connection
Encouraging a sense in the possessive,
I know I run the risk of unleashing
The unwanted dark side of Matt,
The side harbouring the beast inside me
And I can't tame that,
That beast is too strong
Hence why I try keep it at bay,
But sometimes I get caught up
With what other people say,
It's hard to ignore the opinions
Of those that are closest,
After all there's changes in my behaviour
That only they would've noticed,
I am aware that from the outside looking in
Their view is uninhibited,
And I know that it seems that what I was chasing
Is simply prohibited,
I guess the scary thing is when your chasing
What happens when you reach your goal,
What if it's not what I expected
What there's no mate for my soul,
Or maybe there is, it just wasn't this one
Will I be able to bare starting a new chase,
Another emotional rollercoaster
With another new face,
Going through the motions of
Sharing all the secrets and stories,
Finding out each others views
On multiple categories,
Meeting new people isn't something
I fear, that part I can actually enjoy,
It gives me the opportunity to develop
New social skills to deploy,
So maybe after all ,this isn't such a bad thing
I got back on the horse and now I'm ready,
I know my head's a mess
So I need to take it steady,
These things come and go
They were made to pass not to stay,
Nothing lasts forever
Everything has a final day,
I wish I could keep my temper away
I wish the fuse was never lit,
Because I know when I explode
I'll scratch, I'll claw, I'll hit,
I try to keep things to myself
To avoid rumor and innuendo,
But this time was too close
Reaching such a violent crescendo,
It so hard keeping control when all my emotions are mixed like some fatal cocktail,
Getting my thoughts confused between social expectations of chivalry and an alpha male,
This last experience has really driven in to me the fact that I am damaged,
It's put a stronger spotlight on all
The difficulties I have managed,
This time wasn't like the last
This breakdown was pure rage,
I am constantly learning about myself
I just wish I knew this at a younger age,
I've been on a constant search for answers
But never knew what questions to ask,
And I've somehow got through 29 years
Rarely losing the mask,
This theoretical mask I don
So you don't see what lies beneath,
The pain of constantly picturing the cause
Of my own personal wreath,
It's pretty pathetic though this time
So unoriginal, I feel like a hack,
7 billion people on the planet and
I'm sad that the wrong one don't like me back,
It's childish, it's immature
And quite frankly I should know better,
There's a lot of rage even in this poem
Because I hate that I even have to write a letter,
Every syllable of this
Frustrates me to my core,
Why can't love be simple
Like something bought from a store,
My problem isn't so much with people
My problem is society,
Certain unspoken social rules and cues
Should be given priority,
Being a gentleman for example
Being kind, respectful and chivalrous to boot,
But for some reason these age old traditions
Are now rendered mute,
The quintessential bad boys are the ones who
Are sought after and are the stars in the cast,
Whilst the nice guys always
Seem to finish in the position of dead last,
What I can't wrap my head around
Is if the the right things only make you lose,
Then surely they are the wrong things
You see why this lights my fuse,
This is one of many causes of
The monster that I try to hide,
Don't get me wrong I'm very grateful
That I have people in whom I confide,
I have friends and family that see through
My faults and love me anyway,
I have genuine people who I am able to
Vent to every single day,
I don't know where I would be without them
And they know who they are,
They are what's getting me through
This latest episode so far,
But I don't think they understand
The depravity of my inner beast,
The fact I've starved it so long
It's ready to feast,
They don't realise how much energy
I exert to tame the urges,
The pain of the pulsing rage inside me
Just surges and surges,
Lately the feeling inside I can
Only describe as white hot,
Searing, scorching and burning
Like a slow roasted clay pot,
I feel like a ticking time bomb
Going at an accelerated pace,
I worry all the time about what happens
If I reach the sunken place,
This mental break even has me questioning
All of my beliefs about faith,
Maybe religion is something that I've been missing, maybe that'll keep me safe,
Well not just me but everyone else too
As so far the beast has only tested myself,
I of course am in control of my own threshold
I dread to think what it'd do to others health,
That's why I know I need help to be able feel
Without connecting love, hate anger and rage,
Mixing them up like words to a dyslexic
Written on a page,
All jumbled and confused, I need to be able feel one emotion at a time,
I need to be able to get through days
Without narrowly avoiding crime,
I need to get to a place where I can
Just think less,
Try and focus on one thing at a time
Without so much stress,
I know now that I'll get there
I will find my way through,
Following the guidance of my family
And my friends too,
This time has been a group effort
I've had a lot of support from all,
To get me to be able to plan my move
Instead of bouncing from wall to wall,
Hopefully this move
Will see me settle and reach my potential,
With any luck, in a few years time
All this will be inconsequential,
I'm at a point in my life
I need to get answers and I need to find peace,
I'm lucky that I got through all this
Without involvement from police,
This is no way to live
I know this wouldn't make Chris proud,
But he also wouldn't want me beating myself up
For crying out loud,
So it's time to put this all to bed
Having learnt why it is we fall,
We fall so we get back up
And this time I'll stand tall,
I do feel like I have failed
But failing isn't anything wrong,
Success becomes of many failures
It's what separates the weak and the strong,
Overcoming obstacles is how we get better
Facing failure is what makes us brave,
That's a quality I've been told I possess
From advice that a nurse gave,
I'm doing the right things now
Traveling down a road of recovery,
Moving, going T-total
And considering self discovery,
Fulfilling a long held need
For some kind of therapy for my emotions,
That should help me live a better life
And exclude my negative notions,
I don't like going through life
Viewing things in a manner so pessimistic,
It's recently come to light to look
Into the possibility I'm autistic,
It's certainly something to consider
The thought of finally getting answers is heavenly,
The question hanging over my head for years
What exactly is so wrong with me?
- Author: markell93 ( Offline)
- Published: July 2nd, 2022 14:28
- Comment from author about the poem: Gone through alot over the past couple months. Here\\\'s the biggest piece I\\\'ve ever wrote.
- Category: Unclassified
- Views: 36
Comments1
It has been said and probably observed that everyone of us is on the spectrum, that there isn't necessarily a right or wrong personality. That's good enough for me. Knowing what doesn't work of us is perhaps half the 'problem' solved. Thanks for sharing.
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