What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

This life is based in the grey

I'm afraid it's not black and white,

There's many tones of darkness

And different shades of light,

Simplicity doesn't belong 

This is an establishment of the complex,

You may read these lines 

But you may not understand the subtext,

You might follow the meaning of each word

But not comprehend what lies between,

The difference in taking in 

The vision of what can't be seen,

Take my past for instance

It's a wealth of contradictory stings,

I am not a wretched man 

But I have done wretched things,

I am not an evil individual 

But my sins are more than few,

I've been a purveyor of dark thoughts

Some may involve you,

In the past I have loved, I have hated,

I have gifted and I have hurt,

I have changed over time 

But I'm still the same man, same shirt,

Old clothes, new clothes

New age, mindset upgrade,

Two years on, change is in the radical

Even location trade,

Sleep still evades me 

Mind started swirling, 

Remembering little things as my mind's 

Screws are twirling,

The recommendation of one 

Spoken word poet,

I still listen to the teachings 

Learning I reap it, I sew it,

His battles still help me 

They get me through my own,

This poem goes out to a few people

But to them it'll never be shown,

Past figures that flit through my mind 

On the odd occasion, 

This particular writing in regards to those 

Of a feminine persuasion,

Women in my past 

To which there's a story and old feelings,

Mostly wound up one dimensional

No breaking through glass ceilings,

But still from each one I carry little pearls 

And things I am glad for,

Little habits or bits of advice

Recommendations of TV, Music and more,

I can be a hopeless romantic 

So it's not too surprising I've logged souvenirs,

It's funny as this is a writing aimed at the cause of much heartbreak, yet this is a toast of cheers,

The feelings I've had for these ladies over the years I've certainly found doesn't define me,

However I sporadically look back in the memory bank and it's a surprise I see,

Given time I have been able to highlight 

Only the positives in treatment I received,

Pretty much placing all blame on myself 

For which I feel aggrieved, 

But this isn't one of these pieces 

This won't be a past dissection, 

I want to focus on the future 

Move ahead in a forward direction, 

I won't become a victim 

To my past mistakes,

I will refresh my approach 

Cut out all the time wasters and fakes,

Time to stop overthinking 

But that's my writings muse, 

Maybe I need to put down the pen

I've got nothing left to lose, 

I need to take better steps 

For nobody but for myself,

But maybe being alone 

Isn't what's best for my mental health,

I need to start letting go 

Of all of the baggage that is restricting me,

I need to look beyond, 

But not do so naively,

I found myself embedded in a situation

That historically ends badly,

But did that mean I shouldn't take the risk 

Just in case it ended sadly,

Or should I have finally pulled the trigger 

And give it a shot, 

Will I be able to get through it all 

If a happy ending it's not,

Will my mind settle down 

And allow me to act normal, 

Am I capable of maintaining composure

With something so informal,

Will my brain leave the overdrive setting 

And stop being so obsessive,

Creating my own fantasy connection 

Encouraging a sense in the possessive,

I know I run the risk of unleashing 

The unwanted dark side of Matt,

The side harbouring the beast inside me 

And I can't tame that, 

That beast is too strong

Hence why I try keep it at bay, 

But sometimes I get caught up 

With what other people say,

It's hard to ignore the opinions 

Of those that are closest,

After all there's changes in my behaviour

That only they would've noticed, 

I am aware that from the outside looking in

Their view is uninhibited, 

And I know that it seems that what I was chasing 

Is simply prohibited,

I guess the scary thing is when your chasing 

What happens when you reach your goal,

What if it's not what I expected

What there's no mate for my soul, 

Or maybe there is, it just wasn't this one

Will I be able to bare starting a new chase,

Another emotional rollercoaster 

With another new face,

Going through the motions of 

Sharing all the secrets and stories,

Finding out each others views 

On multiple categories,

Meeting new people isn't something 

I fear, that part I can actually enjoy,

It gives me the opportunity to develop

New social skills to deploy,

So maybe after all ,this isn't such a bad thing

I got back on the horse and now I'm ready,

I know my head's a mess 

So I need to take it steady, 

These things come and go 

They were made to pass not to stay,

Nothing lasts forever 

Everything has a final day,

I wish I could keep my temper away

I wish the fuse was never lit,

Because I know when I explode 

I'll scratch, I'll claw, I'll hit,

I try to keep things to myself 

To avoid rumor and innuendo,

But this time was too close

Reaching such a violent crescendo,

It so hard keeping control when all my emotions are mixed like some fatal cocktail,

Getting my thoughts confused between social expectations of chivalry and an alpha male,

This last experience has really driven in to me the fact that I am damaged, 

It's put a stronger spotlight on all

The difficulties I have managed,

This time wasn't like the last 

This breakdown was pure rage,

I am constantly learning about myself 

I just wish I knew this at a younger age,

I've been on a constant search for answers

But never knew what questions to ask,

And I've somehow got through 29 years 

Rarely losing the mask,

This theoretical mask I don 

So you don't see what lies beneath,

The pain of constantly picturing the cause 

Of my own personal wreath,

It's pretty pathetic though this time 

So unoriginal, I feel like a hack,

7 billion people on the planet and 

I'm sad that the wrong one don't like me back,

It's childish, it's immature 

And quite frankly I should know better,

There's a lot of rage even in this poem 

Because I hate that I even have to write a letter,

Every syllable of this 

Frustrates me to my core,

Why can't love be simple 

Like something bought from a store,

My problem isn't so much with people 

My problem is society,

Certain unspoken social rules and cues

Should be given priority,

Being a gentleman for example 

Being kind, respectful and chivalrous to boot,

But for some reason these age old traditions

Are now rendered mute,

The quintessential bad boys are the ones who

Are sought after and are the stars in the cast,

Whilst the nice guys always

Seem to finish in the position of dead last,

What I can't wrap my head around 

Is if the the right things only make you lose,

Then surely they are the wrong things 

You see why this lights my fuse,

This is one of many causes of 

The monster that I try to hide,

Don't get me wrong I'm very grateful 

That I have people in whom I confide,

I have friends and family that see through 

My faults and love me anyway,

I have genuine people who I am able to 

Vent to every single day,

I don't know where I would be without them 

And they know who they are,

They are what's getting me through 

This latest episode so far,

But I don't think they understand 

The depravity of my inner beast,

The fact I've starved it so long

It's ready to feast,

They don't realise how much energy 

I exert to tame the urges,

The pain of the pulsing rage inside me 

Just surges and surges,

Lately the feeling inside I can 

Only describe as white hot,

Searing, scorching and burning 

Like a slow roasted clay pot,

I feel like a ticking time bomb 

Going at an accelerated pace,

I worry all the time about what happens

If I reach the sunken place,

This mental break even has me questioning

All of my beliefs about faith,

Maybe religion is something that I've been missing, maybe that'll keep me safe,

Well not just me but everyone else too 

As so far the beast has only tested myself,

I of course am in control of my own threshold

I dread to think what it'd do to others health,

That's why I know I need help to be able feel 

Without connecting love, hate anger and rage,

Mixing them up like words to a dyslexic 

Written on a page, 

All jumbled and confused, I need to be able feel one emotion at a time, 

I need to be able to get through days 

Without narrowly avoiding crime,

I need to get to a place where I can 

Just think less,

Try and focus on one thing at a time 

Without so much stress,

I know now that I'll get there

I will find my way through,

Following the guidance of my family 

And my friends too,

This time has been a group effort

I've had a lot of support from all,

To get me to be able to plan my move 

Instead of bouncing from wall to wall,

Hopefully this move 

Will see me settle and reach my potential,

With any luck, in a few years time 

All this will be inconsequential,

I'm at a point in my life 

I need to get answers and I need to find peace,

I'm lucky that I got through all this 

Without involvement from police,

This is no way to live 

I know this wouldn't make Chris proud,

But he also wouldn't want me beating myself up 

For crying out loud,

So it's time to put this all to bed

Having learnt why it is we fall,

We fall so we get back up 

And this time I'll stand tall,

I do feel like I have failed 

But failing isn't anything wrong,

Success becomes of many failures 

It's what separates the weak and the strong,

Overcoming obstacles is how we get better 

Facing failure is what makes us brave,

That's a quality I've been told I possess 

From advice that a nurse gave,

I'm doing the right things now 

Traveling down a road of recovery,

Moving, going T-total

And considering self discovery,

Fulfilling a long held need 

For some kind of therapy for my emotions,

That should help me live a better life 

And exclude my negative notions,

I don't like going through life 

Viewing things in a manner so pessimistic,

It's recently come to light to look 

Into the possibility I'm autistic,

It's certainly something to consider 

The thought of finally getting answers is heavenly,

The question hanging over my head for years

What exactly is so wrong with me?