To my friend a great soul

Have you ever felt so alone and the pain wont subside, you hurt down to your soul.  Your body aches so bad its hard to move. Your life feel like its worthless not even stone. Have you felt like it will never subside when you try and try you give it your all but it still takes control. You just want it to end and stop taking hold. But nothing seems to work. I have been far and wide seeking out the best even shock therapy only worked for a short while. I sit and I have no hope. Its as if all the people load up on the plane to there lives but your diverted alone and blind. Reaching out to grasp a hold, but, you cant you just fold. I pray I beg I plead and nothing but a line of people and your told next, five minutes and the dice are rolled. Never a win, never a light, nothing seems to help...Your just out of control in a horrible life. Things that wonce provided a spark have no meaning no life. I don’t remember how long it was that it brought its blight. All you want to do is sleep nothing is right. Its a quandary a family untold about illnesses that take away everything at once and gaps that compete connections taking away your family and your life. I hear always the drumbeat of go, go, go, just do it, just look out the window and see all the beauty life has to behold...but once it take hold there is nothing you can say to fix ones soul. Happiness of a loved one it all you have to keep you from a death toll. I saw my friend subside to killing the pain in her soul she didn’t find me or someone to hold. She died that night all alone. I will never for get he smile and her wild tone. She was my friend, my roommate, O what a toll. She was ill beond control just like my Mother had Schizophrenia and Depression one of those misunderstood illness that has no cure. People didn’t understand that’s what pushed her to hang herself only 30 feet from me or so, with a latter and some rope. The next morning I felt something had happened, a feeling deep down I don’t know. But I knew it was cold quiet and no longer a home. I called out to her through the door but she wasn't answering. I then said O no, I ran to the door and looked left to the parking lot to find her car still and blank like a cold stone. I panicked I ran for her door I begged her to answer me aloud. I knew what had happened I panicked and ran to find something to pick the door. I remembered looking scavenging for anything small to open the door, I looked and found something but it was too large to fit in the little hole. The tears ran down my face I couldn't control. Finely I found something small enough to get into the hole and unlock the door. I never realized what I would find. No caution to take, nothing I could think of for havens sake could have prepared my for the shock I would take...my loving friend hanging forward I called her name, and I said no, no, please...no but the damage was done and my friend was gone a body desolate of a soul. I felt the pain run through me like a dagger cutting deep for a loving friend. Her eye were pooled with blood. Her tongue swollen stuck out like a bulb...black and blue traces all over her body. She hung there no life to be said. I was upset there was no control, I was seeing the truth unravel before my eyes...I panicked called 911 and they tried to calm me but nothing could be said, nothing could be told, this visceral action would not slow. I sat on the couch all alone only police to try to atone what had happened it was all over they new her from calls before. Today i see glimpses of her and her smile even when we got drunk and got so high. She was alive she brought me care and taking my attention away from a life that was falling apart day by day. It got worse and I was so glad she was there she was a beautiful soul. Life is so unfair she had a board with the name of all the untold men she tried to love and make a life with but used her and so it goes. She comes to me at my worst times now apart of me she is still there bring me the best of her. I feel her always, mostly when life has taken a toll. I will have her friendship until it my time to go...Her spirit lives on in me I don’t know why but I love her no matter how damaged she was inside...illness you can not hide but you live through every day of your life. She made me realize we are all sick inside and a day will come when we all will loose that light that thing we love and hold our soul is our life love and understanding we all have burdens to carry and that light will come to a close and I hope you pass on that what makes alive and gives you hope make life something special to behold. I know my pain will never be gone, I just take it day by day and hope life lets me see more of those times I am brought to know how special we are no matter how hard it goes...you just live and bring life to those who need it most.            

To my friend you are here with me and your not cold your as warm as ever deep down in my soul.