fears

you ask me what I'm afraid of. 

 

we're sitting in the dark

watching light sparkle between us

electricity that could power a city

is leaking out my fingertips

you steal two breaths from me and

i trace promises on your cheeks

hoping to steal it back 

 

"i'm afraid of bees"

you offer, stuttering 

and pull my hands away

I laugh

hoping you'll let the 

sound ring in your ears

and remember it 

everytime you think of me

"what did they ever do to you?"

and you joyfully recollect

some bet, some nest, some friends

drawing the scene on my arm

all the talking

was just a muse anyway

and I wonder if

you knew what I really was afraid of. 

 

if you knew how scary it was

to tell you I liked you

that I hated myself everyday 

for wanting love and care and affection

when all it did was 

leave me crying till I couldn't breathe 

months after they decided 

that I was only worth enough

to be taken for granted. 

 

i was always scared

of being replaced 

that I was fine with being 

a slave for affection

a smile, a hug, a hand hold

i would have set myself on fire

to keep them warm. 

 

one day I realized that

i'd defended them at my own murder trial. 

 

would you understand 

how scary it felt 

to choose myself first

and break away

because it was easier to be humiliated

than be lonely

to seek sanctuary in unknown temples

and beg for the gods to tell me that it was not my fault

they fell out of love.

that I was still worthy of love. 

of how shameful it felt

to drag my feet through time 

cry in strangers' bed

and crave danger's touch. 

 

how easily it became 

a running joke among friends

when I was tearing open my stitches

everytime i saw them happy

move on move on move on ,they said

but time never healed any wounds.

 

 

"you know what I'm scared of the most?", I say

you startle, 

halfway through a new story

and link your fingers 

through mine in the process, "what?" 

 

"you."