Control

Sometimes what we feel on the inside isn’t always reflective of our outward emotional expression. I’m angry. I’m confused. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. How can I be all of these things at once but only express one at a time? That’s why it’s easier to forget you have any emotion at all. Sure, here and there I will experience situations that leave me with a smile or a temporary feeling of happiness. But what value does that temporary happiness hold over any of the strong emotions I am trying to suppress deep down.

I will try to do my best. I try to be everyone’s hero. Who’s supposed to be my hero? Who’s going to check on me to ask how I am doing? Who’s going to ask to see and meet up with me to catch up? No one. That is all because they expect me to do it for them. Or even worse, they don’t care at all and instead are at ease once I leave space.  Why does it always have to be my job to tend to those around me when I am constantly a burden to almost everyone in my life?  I avoided feeling alone by surrounding myself with people who never really knew me. To be fair, I did not know myself at the time either.  Take away all those surrounding buffers and spend a couple weeks actually alone and you might actually find yourself.

I did just that. I did that thinking it would make it better. The worst part of it all is that I actually now feel more alone now that I know who I am.  I am anxiety. I am stress. I am annoyance. I am emptiness. I’m not really ever sure if I lost myself or I myself have just always been this empty template. This template that never got painted. A template left to be blank.  I thought slowly isolating myself would help. And it can. But for only as long as you are willing to put your emotions on complete pause. 

Numbness. Before you get a painful shot, you might get a numbing shot beforehand to relieve some of the upcoming pain. I’m tired of getting the numbing shot. I would rather just face the pain.  I am tired of playing this game and pretending like I’m okay and doing well, when I’m not. 

I feel used. For my car. For money. For my unwavering friendship. For my inability to stop pleasing people that don’t even deserve it. I’m not a toy. I’m not here for entertainment. I’m not here so others can advance themselves.  

I feel alone.

I don’t feel welcome in my own house. I feel out of place in my own family’s house.

I feel like I’m floating.

I feel like I’m simply existing.

Those who I thought were my closest friends, are not.

Those who I always thought would be there , are not.

Those who said they would always stay, left. 

Those who are still here, don’t want to be.

Those are the ones who I also used as their lifeline.

But people leave.

People find better people.

People only call at their convenience.

At least in my case.

I’m glad I’m there for others when they need a placeholder or a listener.

I’m tired of letting people in.

I’m tired of believing that I’ve finally found someone in my life who genuinely cares.

I’m tired of people caring when it's easy. When it requires minimal effort. I cared when it was hard for you. Why can no one do the same for me?

Why do I have to walk around eggshells my entire life to feel a mediocre sense of relief?

It hurts . It really hurts right now . I know I don’t have that person in my life anymore but because I gave that person so much attention I lost sight of any other friendship or relationship in my life . I don’t have a roommate. I don’t have that one person that really cares. They all say that they do but every LITTLE action shows they don’t. And that’s okay. But will I ever have that? I just wish someone were to be there for me the same way those around me are for each other. I’m tired of being constantly sad. But I’m every more tired of being constantly sad and pretending to be absolutely fine. I’m not absolutely fine. I’m fucking sad . I’m fucking done. I don’t want to do this anymore. It is so frustrating. Nothing is helping. I’m constantly on adderall and when I’m not I can’t get a single thing done. 

I’m a burden to those who I thought cared most.

I talk too much.

I talk too much?

I literally don’t talk at all.

I go to Starbucks for 10 straight hours in hope to completely isolate and sit each myself and at least be productive.

How can they not see that?

I want to talk for maybe 10 minutes when I come home and suddenly I’m a burden.

God forbid.

I guess a 10 minute conversation after having almost no real human interaction all day is too much to ask for.

I literally cannot win no matter what I do.

Why does it have to be like this?

I don’t fucking understand.

The cards weren’t dealt in my favor clearly.

Instead I spend 10 hours a week and 2 tanks of gas to please a couple rich people who think the world literally revolves around them.

Even with all the money falling out of their pockets, they can’t even be generous enough to pay me what I deserve.

I’m glad I’m there.

I’m there for those to use at their own disposal.

I’ve been treated like a robot for so long, no wonder I started treating myself the same way.

I don’t even know where to start.

I know it’s me too.

I’m sure anyone in my situation could handle it 10 times better but for some reason my brain can’t.

It’s so fucking frustrating.

How am I supposed to change that?

I can’t.

I can’t control it because no matter what..