Alone and Thinking

As you lay in bed at night thinking how you wish life was simple, how you wish life could be as easy as walking down a street.
You start thinking of your past, how you were at your lowest but nobody noticed and people still don’t notice.
They don’t notice that painted smile on your face, the tears that want to fall but choose not to.
You want to tell someone that you’re in pain but you grew up keeping your feelings to yourself 
Even though you want to scream for help, how do you?
You grew up loved, a roof over your head, clothes on your back how can you be depressed you’re too young to be depressed 
How does depression have an age limit? growing up with a roof over your head and clothes on your back has nothing to do with whether or not you can be depressed 
You never seen ME, you saw who you imagined me to be 
I get you grew up in a house with parents who weren't very affectionate, but why did you have to become your parents
I needed you to see me, actually see me, understand me but all you did was see-through me not at me 
You know the saying everyone leaves for a reason, yeah it’s true 
Family and friends never stay, but I wonder why?
Could I be the problem or could it just be that I don’t communicate first anymore 
I lost friends that I considered my best friends 
I was always told that they love me, but did they mean it, or was it just another word to be thrown around to make me feel better 
I was always there for everyone else, but no one was there for me 
Younger me felt alone, tired, and weak trying to search for happiness 
I was always trying to help someone give them advice be their shoulder to lean on to make sure they were okay
And I can’t blame anyone but myself I should’ve been there for myself more 
I wanted to make other people proud even if that means I wasn’t proud of myself 
There have been days when you
wanted to die, but you didn’t really want to die you to wanted to kill that thing in your head, that thing in your body that’s causing you pain, that thing that’s making you hate yourself
There also have been days where you felt alive, days that made you think Maybe I'm making up everything I’m happy, I’m the most happiest I have ever been 
Why can’t all days be like that 
People talk about finding themselves finding their path 
Don’t worry you’re not expected to come out of the womb knowing who you are 
Waves of hardship will hit, People you expected to be in your life forever will slowly leave 
People say that’s how life works, but why does it seem like life is constantly beating you down 
Life must be tracking my mood
Cause when I’m happy and excited about something, life comes right around that corner pushing you right back down 
Pushing you right back to that place where you hated yourself
Where you doubted if people love you or is it just for show 
Life is the real definition of 2 sided 
One minute life is giving you blessings, a job, a car, everything you wished for 
Then the next minute everything you worked so hard for is being taken away in a split second 
And you’re back in a place where you crawled so hard to get out of