To The One I Love

To the one I love,

You broke my heart. I still talk to you and even through the pain, I smile at you. I laugh at your jokes. We are not the same and it hurts. The words were on the tip of my tongue yesterday when we were in the backseat of your car. While we held hands in the park. When you said you still liked me, thinking I wouldn’t know you were playing me. I wanted to say them so badly, but mainly, I wanted you to say them back, wanted you to say them first. Why does it feel like you don’t care anymore? Do you only talk to me when you have no other plans? When no one else is available? Am I now just an afterthought that you entertain?  I want you to want me as I want you. Like I crave you. I can't keep sitting in my room all day waiting for you to reply to my messages. I don’t want to keep doing the same night routine with you. I want you to enlighten me. Why do I feel like you don’t care? I’m scared. I hate not being in control of my feelings around you. My self-discipline, my self-respect, everything valuable to keeping me cautious just goes out the window when I’m with you, and I don’t understand how you do that. Everything from the way you swipe your too-long hair out of your face to the way you smell makes me even more intrigued by you. I want to hate you. I want to hate you so bad just so I don’t have to think about you while I know you don’t think about me. The thought of you moving on makes me sad. I don’t want to be in the back of your mind while you are in front of mine. I am so sick of waiting patiently for you when I know you won’t come.