Let Myself Grow

The laughs, the tears,

The screams, the giggles,

I hear them all,

Feel them vibrating,

 Shaking my head and taking my heart with them.

The past,

Such a wonderful thing.

The glint of admiration as I looked at those jewels,

 In control of themselves,

Fills me all over again.

And then comes the doubt.

For young me was naïve,

She thought to be them was achievable.

I wish to tread water, back to her,

To get caught in these waves and hope they guide me to her,

For there are so many things I wish she knew.

I wish she knew she would never outshine the stars she so hoped to be like,

That she would never fully outgrow her shell,

That she would never find her way out of the cocoon.

But that she would find her own stars,

Ones that would share their light with her,

Ones that would wait outside the cocoon for however long it takes.

That she would feel joy.

Happiness.

And then the memories are gone,

Leaving a dull ache.

A strange emptiness,

But I don’t mind.

I don’t mind the emptiness,

For it will always be there.

But the empty space will soon find memories flowing into it,

For memories and moments are fluid,

A never ending mass waiting to be explored.

And then something shifts.

I feel new moments flooding in,

New joys filling the space the princess tiaras and candy floss left,

New stresses and sorrows filling the space that broken dolls and getting yelled at by mum left,

And I smile.

I smile,

Because I am so different now.

And I realize,

I don’t need younger me to know what happens to her.

She’s lived her life.

She’s done laughing and playing and crying and living,

Its my turn now.

One day, these moments will also become old,

And maybe I’ll miss them,

Maybe I’ll miss being…this me.

But “this” me will be a thing of the past,

And I hope the future accepts that.

I will not forget who I was,

I could not forget who I am,

But I will become whoever I become.

I will accept her as the new me.

 That used to scare me.

It used to shake me and terrify me and make me want to crawl into a hole.

But I will not do that. I will wait.

Wait to see what life decides to make me.

I will look forward to future me finding out who she is.

And gladly let her take my place.