Uncles and Aunts

Uncles and Aunts.

 

Our family is rather unusual, both parents from good Northern stock.

Meaning most of my Aunties and Uncles were without a few cogs in the clock.

Some would say they’re peculiar, others consider them quaint.

Most would reach the conclusion that nearest to normal they aint.

 

Take my dear Uncle Norman, who lost both his legs in the war.

Forgot to put on his parachute as he dived through the aircraft’s drop door.

He was lucky he’d left the plane early, too early to face German guns.

He jumped before leaving Old Blighty, as the aircraft flew over his Mum’s

 

He spent all the war as a hero, recalling the last of his jumps.

The hospital took off his two broken legs and replaced them with two wooden stumps.

Not one to rest on his laurels, Uncle Norman found a vocation

A security guard in a factory on the night shift asleep at his station.

 

One night the factory caught fire, the flames and the embers and smoke

caused a disturbance in the security shed and old Norman, he awoke.

 

The smoke was so thick and so acrid, the fire escape could not be found.

And because Norman’s legs were wooden, our uncle was raised to the ground.

The fire held no fear for our Norman, who’d fought Hitler’s army and won.

He escaped from the raging inferno, by shuffling along on his bum.

 

My Uncle Stanley would stammer, when he decided to talk.

Sometimes for a change he would stutter, whenever he went for a walk.

A big fan of Showaddywaddy, he followed their music so long.

Coz some of their songs went “ A ba ba ba , a dang a dang dang !”.

 Which meant that he could sing along !

 

My Auntie Cathy got married fifteen times in her life

She couldn't imagine living without  being a rich fellas wife.

All of her husbands died early just after they’d transferred their wealth 

She insisted on making home cooked food,with ingredients that compromised health

 

Hand picked mushrooms from the garden Shoe leather lemon sole

Earthworm spaghetti with pesto, authentic toad in the hole.

Cheesecake with iron filings sprinkles,Salsa with onion and grass.

Anything else she could think of to assist her old fellas to pass.

She didn’t intend to murder,and soon after she tried to forget it.

If there was any other way to their cash. It was the only way she could get it

Most families have ego’s and weirdos some have trainee psychopaths.

Aunt Cathy still visits her husbands, they’re buried beneath garden paths.