Birthdays

I'm so over birthdays.

What makes this day special from all the rest?

Everyone has one, so why does it matter?

I'm over the assumptions and the questions from others.

I'm over the expectation of becoming better each year.

What if I'm worse?

What if I didn't progress?

What if I failed?

How could I tell them that I wished I wasn't here

Or that my days turn into nights where I haven't slept in months

And now I have to pretend I'm okay and put a smile on my face?

My mind is numb, but now I have to worry about my birthday.

Then people say, oh well it is a day to celebrate you 

But what if I don't deserve to be celebrated?

What if I don't deserve the love and care from others because I couldn't reciprocate it this year?

So what do I say when someone says "Happy Birthday, I wish you have the best day!!" 

Say thank you and keep a smile on my face.

I'm not having a good birthday, 

I haven't had a good day in so long

I can't help my smile to fade away. 

 

- Dawn Ochre