i wish,, i wish,, i wish.

i deserved a better goodbye.

i didnt deserve to be left in the dark,, contemplating the days that led up to you leaving.

spending days,, months,, even years,, thinking about the days we would spend fighting.

the days where i said unimaginable things because i knew they would hurt you.

but then again,, that was all we knew.

from such a young age,, we were taught to spew venom with the words that we knew would hurt others.

i knew that it was wrong to say those malicious things.

i knew it would destroy you to hear such hurtful things like that,, especially coming from someone who is suppose to love you.

i did love you.

i do love you.

and i always will.

i just wish i had told you before it was too late.

i wish i had told you about the resentment i held towards you for the things you did to me.

i wish i had let you know that i forgive you.

i wish i had reminded you about how excited i was to spend our birthday together for the first time in years.

i wish i would have taken 10 seconds to say the words that you so desperately needed to hear.

those simple words that now so effortlessly flow from my mouth,, because im afraid of what might happen if i dont say it enough.

i wish i had just said,, “ i love you.” one last fucking time.

i wish i had done something that compelled you to throw that tear stained suicide note into the trash,,

said something that might have persuaded you to put the extension cord back on the shelf.

i wish i had done and said so many things,,

things that might have made a difference in the commitment you made to take your own life.

ive spent 2 year beating myself up for what i could’ve done to prevent you from doing this.

but in the end i know that there was nothing i could’ve done to change your mind.

you had decided your fate as soon as you tied that noose.

you decided it would be best if your life had come to and end.

you decided it would be better for everyone if you weren’t alive anymore.

but you never took into consideration how it would feel for someone to walk into that room and see someone they loved so dearly,, hanging from the ceiling.

body cold,, skin pale,, and face emotionless.

you never thought about how it would affect us.

in that moment you cared only about yourself,,

but i guess you felt it was necessary

because you felt as though no one else did.

-razlin.